MenGetPregnantToo

Studies 2: Nobody Appreciates Encroachment

 
If ever there was a fatherhood study men should post on the fridge door this is it.  It examines roles played by fathers versus those of mothers in a household.

 In a nutshell, the results suggest couples get along better when the man doesn't get his hands too dirty with the wet work necessary for complete parenting. The suggestion is: when men involve themselves too much in roles traditionally held by women - i.e. cooking and diaper changing - it creates friction within the marriage. The reason given is that, in such instances, women feel their motherhood is being challenged, and they are being rendered increasingly powerless by a husband who bathes the children versus one who sticks to tossing a Frisbee with the kids in the driveway. The ultimate message to families is: Men should be more Daddy and less Father, and abandon the mechanics of parenting to women. We should just play on the carpet and be happy.

Granted, I've reduced the verdict of a published academic paper to a single paragraph , but I am, after all, a blogger and not a PhD candidate. This fact, however, will not prevent my declaration: this whole parenting thing is grossly misunderstood, as much by the parents themselves as by the academics. The emphasis is placed, once again, on examining the differences between fathers and mothers, and men and women, when the real focus should be human beings as individuals.

From the study's press release reprinted, in part, here at Forbes.com:

But when the father participated more in caregiving, like preparing meals for the child or giving baths, the couples were more likely to display less supportive and more undermining co-parenting behavior toward eachother.

I don't watch a lot of football, but the NFL presents an excellent metaphor to illustrate how this study misses the point: the encroachment rule. Wikipedia defines encroachment as "to advance beyond proper limits". In the National Football League when the defense steps over the scrimmage line before the offense puts the ball in play they are called for an encroachment penalty. The offending team loses five yards on the play; they have essentially been told to "step off!"

Nobody appreciates encroachment; a parent no more so than a 350-pound offensive lineman.

Someone can only be undermined and encroached upon if they have already played a principle role in the activity they are being taken over from. The fact is: the majority of caregivers are still women, and the majority of unpaid labour put towards maintaining a child's health and cleanliness (cooking, cleaning, bathing, homework, etc.) is still being done by women. These are jobs that are made easier by the establishment of order and routine. Children respond better to routine; parental stress is reduced through planning, especially when dealing with the multi-tasking involved with raising kids. To have anyone disrupt a habitual pattern can lead to frustration and a sense of wasted time and of being undermined.

 

In our house, I do most of the cooking. I'm infamous for getting persnickety when anyone encroaches on my space in the kitchen, even under the auspice of well-meaning. Only I know how long food has been in the oven, only I know where I put the marinade in the fridge, only I know what is left to be done; please, go outside and have a drink. My wife knows gardening; sure, she's kinder than I am in the kitchen, but I get the impression that by the time she identifies for me how the weeds are different from the carrot blooms, she could have pulled them herself; my ignorance takes away from her gardening pleasure.

 If there is a lesson to be learned from this study, it is we should stop over-thinking and being too possessive, and  start ensuring stronger communication within our marriages. If you feel undermined when your spouse bathes the kids, there are three choices: do it yourself, show them how you would like it to be done (and hope they see it your way), or revel in the abdication of responsibility and treat yourself to a drink on the porch. My wife and I differ in the way we bathe the kids, we once had a brief discussion about it; neither of us changed our method, and neither of us care much. Why? At bedtime what counts is the kids are clean.

When you absolutely must defend your position on the field, just yell "ENCROACHMENT!", and force your spouse to back off by five yards. It's a great way to let them know they've stepped over the line.

 

This Father is Tired of Being Studied.

That's right. I'm tired of being studied. Two new studies concerning fatherhood have been released recently. The first, which is the subject of today's post, informs us that children fare better when their fathers are involved in their upbringing. Of course it is accompanied by the usual caveats reassuring mothers whose partners cannot - or are no longer willing to - participate in the rearing of their children, that they are not necessarily worse off.

The second study, which will be the topic of my next post, argues that when a father is involved in family life, it may be best if he not get his hands too dirty.

I'm annoyed at studies which remind parents of that which so many of us are already working so hard at: parenting is difficult, and the more you work at - which includes knowing when not to parent -  the more positive an impact you will have on your child. I'm frustrated by studies which assume parents (especially fathers) are ignorant of this fact. And I'm despondent the research may not only be right, but necessary.

Most studies I read concerning fatherhood focus on absenteeism and lack of competencies. Most studies related to motherhood seem to emphasize fatigue and multi-tasking. I understand their necessity. As much as we may have shaken the foundations of men's and women's roles in and outside the home, we have yet to move the building. Ideologically, many fathers are still not at ease with setting their kids up at the kitchen table with a tablecloth full of play dough while they plug in the iron a few feet away in order to get a head start on the second half of a load of laundry. To many men a slow-cooker is the eleventh inning of a scoreless tie in Texas. And, of course, the infamy of tradition still places more women at home assembling the nuts and bolts of child-rearing, such as: overseeing school work, sleep schedules, extra-curricular activities, and organizing play dates and meals. This pattern makes it difficult for both men and women; difficult for the former, should they try to step into those roles on a part-time basis when they are home; as well as for the latter, who find it frustrating to be in the position of modifying an established - and efficient - pattern of organization to make space for a partner holding a pair of shorts asking where the summer clothes have been stored for the winter season.

The first study, a review of which was published in the Montreal Gazette on August 31st, supports the notion that a father's positive influence will direct affect a  child's well-being. Says one of the authors of the study:

        "Regardless of whether fathers live with their children, fathers who displayed positive parenting skills were more likely to have emotionally well-adjusted children and children who are better problem solvers later on,"

But wait. For Mothers out there whose exes have either taken off, or are physically present but refuse to be involved, don't despair:

        "While our study examined the important role dads play in the development of their children, kids don't necessarily do poorly without their fathers,"

Phiewf!  

As a father who works full-time, but tries as much as I feel is physically and emotionally possible to be involved in my family's life (children are not the only people in a home who need love and attention...parents do, as well), I resent the tone and implications of many of these studies. I doubt such studies would receive as much supportive attention and response (one Gazette letter-writer referred to yet another article entitled: “Where have the fathers gone?”) were they emphasizing the importance of a mother's involvement. I don't think mothers would react too kindly to being reminded their involvement is beneficial to their children. I imagine a collective: "No S&^%!"

Here is the simplification of the decade: doesn't it all come down to communication? Yes; although that's easier said than done. If you are not getting what you need from your partner, it's incumbent on you to communicate that. If the reception is less than desirable, it's time for a sit down after the kids are in bed. If there is still misunderstanding and unwillingness, then it's time to go Dear Abby on each other and bring in a third party expert.

The answer is certainly not found in an article reporting that fathers need to be involved. Although pointing out a headline (tastefully) may begin a dialogue, if this information is a surprise to either of you, there may be a long road ahead.

That being said, maybe you're happy with the status quo. Maybe you want his hand kept out of the laundry basket and the kitchen lest you find a slow-cooker full of Tandoori Chicken stored for the season in the Rubbermaid filled with summer clothes. Or maybe you read the study which is the topic of my next post, which argues: fathers who cook and clean maybe doing more harm to their family than good.

I think I'll clip that one out and leave it on the night stand.