Studies 2: Nobody Appreciates Encroachment

 
If ever there was a fatherhood study men should post on the fridge door this is it.  It examines roles played by fathers versus those of mothers in a household.

 In a nutshell, the results suggest couples get along better when the man doesn't get his hands too dirty with the wet work necessary for complete parenting. The suggestion is: when men involve themselves too much in roles traditionally held by women - i.e. cooking and diaper changing - it creates friction within the marriage. The reason given is that, in such instances, women feel their motherhood is being challenged, and they are being rendered increasingly powerless by a husband who bathes the children versus one who sticks to tossing a Frisbee with the kids in the driveway. The ultimate message to families is: Men should be more Daddy and less Father, and abandon the mechanics of parenting to women. We should just play on the carpet and be happy.

Granted, I've reduced the verdict of a published academic paper to a single paragraph , but I am, after all, a blogger and not a PhD candidate. This fact, however, will not prevent my declaration: this whole parenting thing is grossly misunderstood, as much by the parents themselves as by the academics. The emphasis is placed, once again, on examining the differences between fathers and mothers, and men and women, when the real focus should be human beings as individuals.

From the study's press release reprinted, in part, here at Forbes.com:

But when the father participated more in caregiving, like preparing meals for the child or giving baths, the couples were more likely to display less supportive and more undermining co-parenting behavior toward eachother.

I don't watch a lot of football, but the NFL presents an excellent metaphor to illustrate how this study misses the point: the encroachment rule. Wikipedia defines encroachment as "to advance beyond proper limits". In the National Football League when the defense steps over the scrimmage line before the offense puts the ball in play they are called for an encroachment penalty. The offending team loses five yards on the play; they have essentially been told to "step off!"

Nobody appreciates encroachment; a parent no more so than a 350-pound offensive lineman.

Someone can only be undermined and encroached upon if they have already played a principle role in the activity they are being taken over from. The fact is: the majority of caregivers are still women, and the majority of unpaid labour put towards maintaining a child's health and cleanliness (cooking, cleaning, bathing, homework, etc.) is still being done by women. These are jobs that are made easier by the establishment of order and routine. Children respond better to routine; parental stress is reduced through planning, especially when dealing with the multi-tasking involved with raising kids. To have anyone disrupt a habitual pattern can lead to frustration and a sense of wasted time and of being undermined.

 

In our house, I do most of the cooking. I'm infamous for getting persnickety when anyone encroaches on my space in the kitchen, even under the auspice of well-meaning. Only I know how long food has been in the oven, only I know where I put the marinade in the fridge, only I know what is left to be done; please, go outside and have a drink. My wife knows gardening; sure, she's kinder than I am in the kitchen, but I get the impression that by the time she identifies for me how the weeds are different from the carrot blooms, she could have pulled them herself; my ignorance takes away from her gardening pleasure.

 If there is a lesson to be learned from this study, it is we should stop over-thinking and being too possessive, and  start ensuring stronger communication within our marriages. If you feel undermined when your spouse bathes the kids, there are three choices: do it yourself, show them how you would like it to be done (and hope they see it your way), or revel in the abdication of responsibility and treat yourself to a drink on the porch. My wife and I differ in the way we bathe the kids, we once had a brief discussion about it; neither of us changed our method, and neither of us care much. Why? At bedtime what counts is the kids are clean.

When you absolutely must defend your position on the field, just yell "ENCROACHMENT!", and force your spouse to back off by five yards. It's a great way to let them know they've stepped over the line.

 

Comments

[ThaiHoa Burroughs]

I am possessive over the kitchen and my husband likes to point it out every time he cooks, so I have learned to back off because it's his kitchen too. You are right at the end of the day it only matters that the kids got bathed!

[Kathy]

Great post! I have had to really learn to relax about certain things with the kids. My husband is an hands on as he can be since he commutes so he doesn't really participates in the weekly routines, he does on the weekend though. It's very cute, one day I was helping my 6 year old out of the shower and he said, "mom, I want to do my towel like daddy does it" I thought that was great! But I faint a bit when he tries to do my daughters hair. I agree with your conclusion, and like your wife and you we have agreed to each have our own way. I think the kids benefit from it and I know we are happier because of it! I enjoy reading your take on subjects! Thanks!

[Ang]

It's always interesting to hear an opinion from the other side of the fence! I think there has to be give and take either way, even if the "territories" are clearly marked, ha!

[Regin]

My husband is also a cooker in the kitchen and I appreciate it greatly! Good to know there are more men who do this.

[Courtney~Mommy LaDy Club]

This is such a good point. I think women are more sensitive on this, because when you are not earning a paycheck for your job, you don't always get credit(not fair, but totally true). If someone is then coming in and stepping on your job territory, you have even less clout. Not only are you not earning a paycheck, you're not even doing your job!;) You know what I mean?