This Father is Tired of Being Studied.

That's right. I'm tired of being studied. Two new studies concerning fatherhood have been released recently. The first, which is the subject of today's post, informs us that children fare better when their fathers are involved in their upbringing. Of course it is accompanied by the usual caveats reassuring mothers whose partners cannot - or are no longer willing to - participate in the rearing of their children, that they are not necessarily worse off.

The second study, which will be the topic of my next post, argues that when a father is involved in family life, it may be best if he not get his hands too dirty.

I'm annoyed at studies which remind parents of that which so many of us are already working so hard at: parenting is difficult, and the more you work at - which includes knowing when not to parent -  the more positive an impact you will have on your child. I'm frustrated by studies which assume parents (especially fathers) are ignorant of this fact. And I'm despondent the research may not only be right, but necessary.

Most studies I read concerning fatherhood focus on absenteeism and lack of competencies. Most studies related to motherhood seem to emphasize fatigue and multi-tasking. I understand their necessity. As much as we may have shaken the foundations of men's and women's roles in and outside the home, we have yet to move the building. Ideologically, many fathers are still not at ease with setting their kids up at the kitchen table with a tablecloth full of play dough while they plug in the iron a few feet away in order to get a head start on the second half of a load of laundry. To many men a slow-cooker is the eleventh inning of a scoreless tie in Texas. And, of course, the infamy of tradition still places more women at home assembling the nuts and bolts of child-rearing, such as: overseeing school work, sleep schedules, extra-curricular activities, and organizing play dates and meals. This pattern makes it difficult for both men and women; difficult for the former, should they try to step into those roles on a part-time basis when they are home; as well as for the latter, who find it frustrating to be in the position of modifying an established - and efficient - pattern of organization to make space for a partner holding a pair of shorts asking where the summer clothes have been stored for the winter season.

The first study, a review of which was published in the Montreal Gazette on August 31st, supports the notion that a father's positive influence will direct affect a  child's well-being. Says one of the authors of the study:

        "Regardless of whether fathers live with their children, fathers who displayed positive parenting skills were more likely to have emotionally well-adjusted children and children who are better problem solvers later on,"

But wait. For Mothers out there whose exes have either taken off, or are physically present but refuse to be involved, don't despair:

        "While our study examined the important role dads play in the development of their children, kids don't necessarily do poorly without their fathers,"

Phiewf!  

As a father who works full-time, but tries as much as I feel is physically and emotionally possible to be involved in my family's life (children are not the only people in a home who need love and attention...parents do, as well), I resent the tone and implications of many of these studies. I doubt such studies would receive as much supportive attention and response (one Gazette letter-writer referred to yet another article entitled: “Where have the fathers gone?”) were they emphasizing the importance of a mother's involvement. I don't think mothers would react too kindly to being reminded their involvement is beneficial to their children. I imagine a collective: "No S&^%!"

Here is the simplification of the decade: doesn't it all come down to communication? Yes; although that's easier said than done. If you are not getting what you need from your partner, it's incumbent on you to communicate that. If the reception is less than desirable, it's time for a sit down after the kids are in bed. If there is still misunderstanding and unwillingness, then it's time to go Dear Abby on each other and bring in a third party expert.

The answer is certainly not found in an article reporting that fathers need to be involved. Although pointing out a headline (tastefully) may begin a dialogue, if this information is a surprise to either of you, there may be a long road ahead.

That being said, maybe you're happy with the status quo. Maybe you want his hand kept out of the laundry basket and the kitchen lest you find a slow-cooker full of Tandoori Chicken stored for the season in the Rubbermaid filled with summer clothes. Or maybe you read the study which is the topic of my next post, which argues: fathers who cook and clean maybe doing more harm to their family than good.

I think I'll clip that one out and leave it on the night stand.

Comments

[Jinnia]

Hi Kenny- These studies you speak of seem to be aimed at the stereotyped father or mother(correct me if I'm wrong). I find your post refreshing in that it breaks out of common assumptions our society makes regarding men & women's roles to care for their family. Thank you for a thought-provoking post!

Jinnia

[Carla Karam]

Kenny... once again you have hit the nail on the head! I think they should spend their monies on some studies that can actually help us all. :) Blessings!

[Lisa]

As a single mom, my viewpoint is most likely different than that of a married/partnered mom and I'd venture to guess that involved dads feel just as pecked to death by studies as single moms. It's sad that dads have that stereotype to deal with, and I know more men than not that are loving, involved dads. I enjoyed reading your post.

[Sarah]

Interesting. I like the end a lot, communication! Totally true! That is SO necessary in a marriage, and even with children. I haven't looked at studies honestly to define how we raise or maintain this house hold. So whenever I read some, like these I just laugh. My husband does a lot here, in fact he just recently took on the laundry. haha When my back was out for a week, he was so great at it, he just kept doing it. ;) That sure won't harm our boys! I think it will show them responsibility. We all have jobs in this house. And it honestly doesn't matter WHAT it is.

[Sarah]

I am going to try this again. ;)
I like the end, I totally agree with communication! So key to a great marriage and honestly it's good to have with your kids.
Never been one to go by the "studies", we run our home just fine. My husband even has taken up laundry. The week my back was out he started doing it, and well he was better then I was, so he just decided to keep it up. ;) I don't think that is harmful for our children, I think it shows them that we all have responsibilities in this house, no matter WHAT they are. :)

[Kenya G. Johnson]

I enjoyed this post. I can see why you would be annoyed. I had quite a few chuckles and smirks. As a side note I'd love to see my husband use a slow cooker that would entertaining! Annnnnd it'll never happen. Loved your wrap up.

[Momfever]

I feel your pain! All that research gets really tiresome. Sometimes I really wonder if they don't have anything better to do?!