I Finally Told Them Where Babies Come From (And How They Get There in the First Place)

Warning to the squeamish: This post uses anatomically correct language!

My 7-year-old son had previously asked how the man's seed gets into the mommy. I'm embarrassed to admit I skirted the issue. I pretended something else needed my attention at the moment - cleaning the coffee machine, for instance. This time, there was nowhere to go. I was alone with two children demanding answers, and - according to the sex therapist with a local evening radio show - I owed them proper answers. Here's how it played out:

EVENING. INDOORS AT A LONG DINING ROOM TABLE.
FADE IN:
A father occupies an armchair at the head of a long table. Its antique patina perilously supporting not only his beer, but also two cups of milk; one at each of his elbows. As the camera pulls away, we see these cups belong to his young children: a girl, age 5, and a boy, age 7. After a brief - and rare - moment of silence, it is clear the children have something on their minds:

GIRL:
I don't  want to be a mommy.

FATHER:
O.K. You don't have to be if you don't want to be.

BOY:
Yes you do. It's the boy who decides, because he has the seed.

FATHER:
Yes, but the girl has the egg. AND she carries the baby. If she decides she doesn't want one, that's up to her.

BOY:
But, how does the seed get into the mommy?

The camera zooms in slowly on the father's face. It's clear this is a question he's heard before. A sheen of perspiration appears on his brow; he rubs the sides of his nose with both hands, as much to deal with the dry air as to delay answering the question.  Inevitably, the silence at the table makes it clear the children demand an answer.

FATHER:
Well, how do you think a seed gets into someone? 

The father's eyes avoid contact with his children. Instead, they patrol the far end of the room, searching for a distraction: a passing garbage truck, or a bolt of lighting hitting the tree in the front yard causing it to collapse the living room roof, perhaps. 
Nothing.
The conversation continues:

SON:
Through a hole.

FATHER: 
Exactly. 

SON:
 But, through where?

The father feels that itch in his nostrils again.

FATHER:
Well, where on a woman's body are there holes? 

GIRL:
Your mouth?

The girl is, at 5-years-old, young enough she pronounces the word as "mowf". The father wonders what the heck he's doing. He plays with the receiver of a portable phone. Who is he hoping to call? Who is he planning to call? A quick dialling of 9-1-1 would bring these proceedings to a halt, but there would be consequences. Instead, he does nothing.

FATHER:
Yes...

GIRL:
But I don't want to eat the seed! 

The father sneezes, coughs, and swears simultaneously. He hopes the children didn't hear him cuss. But then again, at this point, he'd rather be discussing foul language...

FATHER:
It's not your mouth. Where else is there a hole?

SON:
Your ear.

FATHER:
Yes, and..

 GIRL:
Nose!

FATHER:
Or? 

BOY:
Bum?

The father stares at the chandelier hanging from the ceiling as though it were a 60 watt deity. He prays to this creation from Restoration Hardware for an end to this conversation...

FATHER:
Where, on a girl, is there a hole which would allow a seed to make a baby in her tummy?

BOY:
Her vagina!!!

FATHER:
Yes!

At this point the girl lets her brother lead the conversation. For some reason, this is the first evening in her existence she is not arguing with her father about vegetables. The father, looking at her plate, clearly wishes it were not so.

BOY:
But, how does it get in there?

FATHER:
Well, where is the part on your body which makes the seeds?

The father motions towards his groin with a movement of his head. This is a reminder to The Boy about their previous conversation regarding his father's vasectomy...which was less painful than this moment around the dinner table.

BOY:
Down here...my uhh...

FATHER:
Scrotum.

BOY:
Right, skrotem. But, how does the seed get out of there?

FATHER:
Well, where is there a path from your scrotum out of your body?

BOY:
Your penis?

FATHER:
Exactly.

The father's shoulders relax as relief washes over him. He believes 'the talk' is over. Then he realizes: global warming may end with more suddenness than this conversation.

BOY:
So, he pees, and the vagina sucks it up?

FATHER:
No, it's not pee, it's a bunch of seeds, called sperm. Your body doesn't make it yet. You'll start making it when your body gets much older; when you start turning into a man.

BOY:
And then the vagina sucks it up? 

The conversation is interrupted by the scraping of the father's chair against the floor.

FATHER:
(getting up)
I'll be right back.

GIRL:
Where  are you going?

FATHER:
I need a pen and paper.

The father returns with a notepad. On it he begins a crude drawing of the slight pear shape of a woman's hips, in between them is a small space. Above the small space he makes a circle with two line leads from it outward to two smaller circles.

FATHER:
(Illustrating his drawing)
This is a vagina. The penis goes in here, and leaves the seed. The seed then waits here, in the uterus, for an egg. The eggs are held here, in what are called the ovaries. The eggs then travel aaallll along this loooong tube, called a fallopian tube, until it meets the sperm. Once the two parts meet, they start making a baby. The baby attaches itself to the uterus and grows for nine months, getting bigger and bigger. That's why a woman's tummy keeps growing, because the baby gets bigger inside her until it comes out of the vagina.

Silence, as the youngest, smallest sex education gathering in the history of the neighborhood studies the rudimentary schematic.

BOY:
Can we look on the computer for how it works?

FATHER:
(panicked)
NO!

GIRL:
Why not?

FATHER:
...hold on...

The father leaves the room again, rubbing his face with both hands. He passes a clock which assures him he has at least another hour before the kids' bedtime. Plenty of time to answer the question to its fullest. He returns to the dining room with a hard copy encyclopedia, and flips through it.

BOY:
What's that?

FATHER:
An encyclopedia.

GIRL:
What's that?!

FATHER:
It's what we used to look things up before there were computers.

He finds the page he needs, delivering the book to the table surface with authority.

FATHER:
There!

BOY:
What's that?

FATHER:
These are pictures of a baby growing inside a mommy. Here is the tiny baby after 7 weeks, the 3 months, then 6 months, and then just before it's born. Neat, eh?

The children ignore their father as they peruse the picture. 

Photo Credit

  FATHER:

Any more questions?

BOY:
Does this book have pictures from the Hubble telescope?

The children chatter about outer space, as the father clears the table. On the way past the fridge to the kitchen sink, he stops and caresses pictures of his own children as babies...miracles indeed. 

Photo Credit

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Rosann]

Oh my... that is funny and I'm so sorry you had to have that conversation. I'm dreading it. For now, I just tell my girls that God puts the baby in the mommy's tummy. They wanted to know how the baby comes out, so I had to explain that a bit. I'm fairly certain they never want to have kids after hearing that explanation. Lol! I know one day soon I will be forced to explain the actual process in more detail. I'm just praying for that day to be much later. :)

[Barbara Mascareno]

I just can't believe the 'talk' is happening so soon for you. I would think it could start like around 13 or so. But I love your encyclopedia moment. Never too late to open those type of books.
Best of luck on the no drinking/driving talk.

[christine (lulobird)]

this is hilarious, in a good way. i totally commend your honesty with your children!! there's no shame in where we come from - though that conversation isn't an easy one - at all! i am sure your children will look back with much adoration at how respectful you were towards them in giving them honest answers. i think you taught them much more than just about the seeds : )

[Becky]

I love this talk... you handled it so well. Hats off to you!

[Jenn]

My 8-year-old and I have spoken a bit about the same topic. He's squeamish though, so any time I start getting to the "real" part, he covers his ears and says he has heard enough.

I remember having the talk with my parents, and it seems like with every passing year the talk needs to come earlier. Not only for curiosity's sake, but because kids are bombarded with confusion images and information on the subject.

Wonderful job, Dad!!!!!!

[Sarah]

lol Oh my that was funny! Whew, the day I have to make that talk. I'll be sweating too! Maybe I'll have my mom do it, she just matter of fact told my brother and me, although, I have to wonder if SHE too was sweating bullets! haha

I think it went well. ;) You captured the moments beautifully. You do write well. :)