MenGetPregnantToo

Is Good Men Project Really the Best Place to Shop Hot Russian Women?

Men Get Pregnant, Too is a regular contributor to The Good Men Project.
This week's post was inspired by an ad aimed at men who may be looking for the: "#1 Hottest Russian Brides & Women / Ukrainian Women, Too!"
Surely, GMP isn’t the site such a company could count on for a high click and subscription rate, is it?
Curious as to the whether this company was aware of its misplaced ad, I called their Russian offices...

Is Good Men Project Really the Best Place to Shop Hot Russian Women?

Enjoy, and thanks for reading.

photo: istolethetv / flickr

Two Things Parents and Singles Should NEVER Say to Each Other.

You Don't Remember What It's Like to be Single:

ANSWER #1: Oh, yes I do. I was going to write a book about it, entitled: "Where Loneliness and Heaven Collide."
I remember going to weddings, and baby showers, and kids' birthday parties, and then returning to my empty apartment.
My living room window was 6 feet from the building next to me. THAT building seemed - to my peeping-Tom eyes - to be filled with old men, in wife-beater tops, feeding their cats straight from the can.
I figured it would only be a matter of time before someone found me dead; my cat gnawing on my sock.

ANSWER #2: Single? Ooooohhhh, you mean years ago when five minutes before leaving work, a colleague could invite me out for a drink, and I could actually say: "Sure, let's go!"?
Or, do you mean the hours I spent actually BORED because of all the NOTHING I had to do between 5pm and 9am on weekdays, and then again for 48 uninterrupted hours on the weekend?
Or, were they those years when I would wake up, have breakfast (while reading the WHOLE paper - any section I wanted to, in any order I pleased!), and go to the gym?
Then, on the way back from the gym I would stop at the local market to buy lunch. At the market I would chat with the girl who, after punching up my order, would give me roll of quarters for the washer/dryer in my building.
Then, I would have lunch during the wash cycle before having nap during the drying cycle.
But,  sometimes I would sleep too long, and not have time to watch a BluRay before meeting friends for supper.

Yeah, those years sucked.

Navajo Bridge by Glyn Lowe Photoworks

You Don't Know What it's Like Being Married with Kids:

ANSWER #1: By "Married with Kids", do you mean "being the center of attention at every single family function" (even the one's like MY birthday suppers)?
Or do you mean being the shuttle bus for family picnics for the bunch of drunken crazies who will end up barfing on my back seat after I've waited for them 6 hours longer than I would have liked to because backing out of the deal or insisting I'm ready to leave NOW would further my reputation as a party-pooper?
Sorry, I know that information is new to you - THAT's what happens at a party after you bail on it to "put the kids to sleep" just in time to put on your jammies and watch HBO before bed.
Or did you mean I don't know what it's like because after my 70 hour work-week, I spend my spare time doing what I love most - getting an update on your cute family from our parents who have pretty much forgotten my address and what company I work for (if they even knew in the first place). 

ANSWER #2: You're right, I don't. Why is that? Ummmm....it could be because I don't have a loving relationship in my life; or maybe because I haven't had sex in a year. Or MAYBE, just MAYBE it's because when I DO have sex I use this really cool thing called a prophylactic!
I don't know what it's like to have kids because, well, see, in life we make these things called CHOICES.
CHOICES have a very big impact on how things turn out. If I'm tired, I want to be able to sleep. If I'm stressed out (after my 70 hour work-week without overtime because of this woman who's on her third Mat leave) I want to be able to go on a vacation to a place without a Kidz Club. If I want to be away from home for a day, or two, or three, I don't need a baby sitter for my cat - just one of those really cool feeders which will keep it alive until I get back (although, sometimes I have the neighbor check in on it, just so if people ask, I sound like I really care).
I don't know what it's like to have kids, but I ALSO don't know what it's like for my boobs to be needed instead of kneaded.

*****

- Reconciliation #1: Don't take that the wrong way, come by and see the kids whenever you like. They miss you.
- Reconciliation #2: Don't take that the wrong way, I'll baby sit if ever you guys want a break.

After all, family is ?%$? family.

Don't a Parenting Blogger's Kids Have a Right to Privacy?

With any personal project, be it starting or expanding a business or writing a personal parenting blog, there generally is a tipping point where the project's author must decide whether
certain risks are worth the potential rewards.

In business, these risks are usually financial.
As a blog author, the risk is personal. It is directly correlated with how much of yourself - or in my case, my life as a parent - I'm willing to share.

When my children were newborns or toddlers, sharing stories of their illnesses or foolhardiness was no more risky than sharing what was for lunch. These early stories are far from unique among
parents, and can probably be attributed to the majority of young children.

My kids are now 8 and 6. I don't share their names; I don't share photos of them.
These precautions are specific choices I feel will save them from possible embarrassment a decade from now. After all, these posts may be stories involving me, but they are the children's stories.

Yesterday, my wife and I dealt with a particularly emotional episode with one of my kids. Whether to share its climax and resolution online forced me to closely balance the consequences to my child of making this episode public and forever, against the philosophies which motivate me to write this blog.

Mates by Paul Watson

What is the reward?

My motivation for sharing personal stories of parenting - especially as a father - is three-fold.

1) Hopefully encouraging a dialogue, both online and within other households, about difficult topics which parents feel they may be alone in dealing with. An emotional crisis with a child can be particularly draining. Reading of a similar experience within another household may not only provide the reader with a resolution, but also with some comfort in knowing their child's crisis is not unique.

2) Create further awareness of fathers' expanding roles in the home, and particularly as parents to their children.
This includes admitting to challenges, successes, and failures of being a hands-on father, and/or balancing office work and family life.

3) Create and increase readership. As fun as it is to write as an outlet for your own psyche; an audience provides the real juice for bloggers.

What is the risk?

Anything published online is online forever. Your keyboard's 'delete' button is akin to dusting under the coaster on the coffee table in front of you - the rest of the house is still filthy. Not only does the information exist as imprints on your blog provider's server; once it's been Tweeted, and Facebooked, and Stumbled Upon, your post is now hurtling through the internet galaxy, on a lost journey through cyberspace.

Eclipse 1999 by Elsie esq.

Your child's fight with vegetables at the dinner table, their seminar on baby-making, and their bout with the flu, are matters of the greatest public record ever kept.

It's all cute and heartwarming at 6 or 8-years-old; but at 16 and 18, online information personal information can be infinitely mightier - and more damaging - than the pen or sword ever were.

As for yesterday's incident; I asked myself the following question: would I publisha  similar story about my wife?
No. Why? Out of respect. Should that change because a child is too young to properly express their right to privacy? What are the chances these stories will live long enough to regret them 10 years from now?
By then, one would think patience for digging through Google for high school fodder will have drastically diminished.

Unless your focus is recipes, or product reviews, or giveaways, the personal blogger's axiom is: the riskier the story; i.e., the more personal the account of an event, the more traction it will have
online. Traction is part of the game.

It's up to each of us to decide at what point traction leads to being run over.
How do you decide how much of your family you are willing to share?

 

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Cross-Border Dads Debate Freezer Diapers

Good Morning, Readers.

As much as I (sometimes) miss my children's infant and toddler stages; occasionally I'll be reminded of parenting roadblocks I'm thrilled to have in my rear-view mirror. Potty training is one of them. 
I thank fellow-writer Michael Bahler for reminding me of the work, and second-guessing, involved in getting your kid to commit to underwear:

****

MICHAEL: Kenny, my three year old is behind in potty training and my wife wants to introduce special pull ups that will freeze his privates off every time he urinates -- the Clockwork Orange approach to potty training. I believe this is both unethical and lazy. I'm thinking of starting a petition to ban the practice. Is this legal in Canada? 

KENNY: Hi Michael. I can’t imagine freezing your privates is illegal north of the 49th parallel; arrests would skyrocket between November and April.
I don’t know if your wife is aware, but latest research shows potty training is purely physiological; his brain will one day wake him up and tell him to go to the washroom. Neither your wife, nor Mr. Freeze diapers can change that. Maybe it’s genetic. Were you or your wife late bloomers in this department?

MICHAEL: My father likes to tell the story about how he let me roam around my childhood apartment in the buff but said “don’t crap on the carpet.” I wound up going one inch from the carpet and he was happy -- because I’d listened to him. I don’t know if that makes me a late bloomer. Let me get this straight, Kenny. Are you saying  that there is no such thing as potty training? That kids will choose when to ditch the diapers based solely on their own rhythms and we as parents are powerless to affect the process? That it’s all propaganda? Really?

KENNY: First, that story makes you precocious, not a late-bloomer. Not only did your body recognize when it needed to relieve itself, you were at the same time able to absorb the concept of valuable imported carpeting.
Second, as far as potty-training “propaganda”, I would use the term “misinformation” in it’s place, even though it really is propaganda disseminated by diaper companies. Proof of bladder control development (BCD?) being nothing more than a waiting game can be found here, and here, and here. Each of those links will show your wife, that in a nutshell, freezing testicles will NOT induce potty training.
If you can convince her a diaper full of ice cubes doesn’t work, would you be willing to do the night shift bed-changes? Maybe she just likes her sleep.

Spot On - by inottawa

MICHAEL: I’m typing with gasoline-slicked fingers because I’ve started a big bonfire on my front lawn for all our potty training self-help manuals. Goodbye “Diaper Free Baby.” Good riddance! Now that they’re ablaze, I’m thinking maybe I should have tried to resell them on eBay. I agree with you on this and I don’t. I agree that kids will naturally move away from diapers as they get older, but I also think “assertive” parenting can speed up the process. My wife has a mommy friend with a mean streak and her kid was the first one out of diapers -- I don’t think this is a coincidence -- or biology!  And re sleep, yes, I’m willing to forgo it if it means my kid won’t have to wear torture chamber pullups. I’m selfless like that. Does everything revolve around sleep? I understand and appreciate it’s importance, but I think “lack of sleep” is too easy an excuse to justify every parental failing. Surely, you agree with me on this, Kenny?  

KENNY: I’ll assume “Dangers of Book-Burning and Its Detrimental Effects on Young Children” wasn’t in that pile.
Back to diapers.
It’s important to differentiate the arguments between ‘making through the night dry’ - which is involuntary; and ‘my kid is so comfortable in his super-duper absorbent underwear, he’s too lazy to walk to the bathroom.’ In the latter case, yes, parental encouragement is necessary. In fact, not to come full circle in favor of your wife, there is something to be said for cold testees making it worth your son’s while to go sit on the potty. I regret this point might have been made clearly in one of those books.
And, yes, everything does revolve around sleep. You have just one kid, right?

Linux on a Wigglebums nappy? by mangee

MICHAEL: I have two kids, thank you very much -- ages 3 and 1. All I’m saying is that when weighing the morality of freezer pullups, sleep shouldn’t enter into the discussion. The fact that I’m dog tired doesn’t make them any more ethical. And twenty years from now, I don’t think I’m going to get much traction by telling my eldest: “You have to remember, son, I hadn’t gotten much sleep.”  So be nice to your kids! No matter how tired you are.

KENNY: Two kids...3 and 1, eh?
OK, here’s what going to happen: Everyone has told you “You’re in the thick of it; it’ll only get easier.” Five years later, I realize that’s not true. Diaper maintenance has been replaced by baking for Scout meetings; pee on the floor has been replaced with “Build a Volcano!” experiments gone wrong.
I always intend to be nice to my kids, but scraping icing and fake volcano stains out the carpet can really try your patience.
You’ll also discover that while you’re fighting the good frozen testicle fight on behalf of your eldest; for your second, you’ll laugh that you ever cared so much. You’ll go get your own ice pack out of the freezer if it means not leaving a restaurant table and spending 20 minutes in a bathroom stall waiting to reward your child for going poo.
Your wife’s got the right idea.

****

Michael Bahler is a writer living in New Jersey and the father of two little boys. His work has appeared in the N.Y. Times ("In Defense of the Doormat Dad" & "I Measured My Commitment in Carats"), Glimmer Train, the Best of the Web 2008 ("The Stiff Jew"), Jewcy ("How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Like the Mohel"); The Brooklyn Rail ("Searching for My Ex-Girlfriend's Nose"); nerve ("Stephanie's Blood"); and Eclectica ("Virgin Annie").

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Can Men Be Romanced on Valentine's Day?

MenGetPregnantToo is a weekly contributor to "The Good Men Project". Every week I will have an article published on their site. There will be an even rotation between original content, and essays previously published on MenGetPregnantToo.com.

Today's original post argues that, in 2013, men should be as much the focus of romantic gestures on Valentine's Day as women.

Enjoy!

Can Men Be Romanced on Valentine's Day?

Photo: karenhorton / flickr

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Join the #WeAreParents Nation, and 'Know What It's Like.'

"You have no idea what it's like."

This sentence has been uttered ad infinitum in angry desperation; between high school friends, from parent to child and vice versa, and between office dwelling and stay-at-home parents.
I remember saying it to classmates, motivated more by sass than by storm, when defending my extra-curricular figure skating.
I don't think I've ever said it to my wife; but I've thought it. I've thought it when my work day was done with me and spit me into the maelstrom that is dinner time with young children.
At these moments I didn't want to help cook and discipline. They 'didn't know what it was like.' 

Nobody knows, until they do. And then, there is only regret, from both parties. 

Cubicle Farm by ste3ve

The stay-at-home parent laments: "You don't know what it's like: being always 'on' for the kids; housework; meal planning; extra-curricular activities; managing our social calendar; and sacrificing healthy adult interpersonal relationships in favor of being a parent to a young child.
The office-worker counters: "You don't know what it's like: management driven deadlines; being responsible for the work of others; office politics; the responsibility of maintaining our families lifestyle; and learning about many of our children's milestones over the phone.

In 2013, there is an increasing number of spouses playing role-swap. More stay-at-home-dads; more moms stuck in rush hour traffic on their way to the office.
As with most things; experiencing another dimension of life suddenly creates a new understanding of what it means to be that person walking through the door at 6pm, or searching for a few precious minutes for a quiet cup of coffee at home.
Suddenly, you know what it's like.

Red Pegs by curlsdiva

Though I am the main wage-earner in our house, I have spent days and weeks at home with our kids. My wife has also spent weeks at a time treading through office politics and urgent deadlines.
After doing each for any extended period, I am usually ready for a switch.
I am still unsure which I would prefer to do full time, given the choice.
I am sure that without each part of the equation; life for our family would be very different, and more difficult.

#WeAreParents is a hashtag I will use more frequently. It signifies the beginning of the end of seeing ourselves as 'Moms' and 'Dads' competing for bragging rights relating to who has a more difficult role.

We Are Parents; a Nation responsible in one way or another for the lives and well-being of our children; whether from our cubilcles, or our kitchens.
May they prosper, and find a roomate with whom to share an apartment as quickly as possible.

 

Incredible & Inconveniently Intelligent: L.A. Messina's Book Connects with Parents & Kids.

When I think of some of the common challenges of parenting, they often include:

• Initiating fruitful conversations about difficult topics.
• Challenging kids' intellects without pushing them to frustration.
• Learning what they identify with, and how it can bring me closer to them as a parent.
• Understanding the relationships they have outside the home, and encouraging them to open up about any conflict. 

My son is 8, and if there was ever a children's book which would help me through some of those challenges, it's L.A. Messina's "Henry & the Incredibly Incorrigible, Inconveniently Intelligent Smart Human."

 In many ways, it's a simple morality tale: on a planet populated by robots, humans are the labor-pets of the family. They are slack-jawed, lazy-eyed, monotonous beings manufactured to carry out the bidding of the robot population.
Henry, a robot who is one week removed from his "thirteenth upgrade", is part of a family who has just been given a new-model human: the ETC-420-gx-2. Their job is to put this new model through its paces and ensure it functions as expected.
What follows is a tale of bonding and adventure between two young adults; one robot, one human.
A parent could easily lean on this book's imagination, metaphors, hysterical use of language, and voyage of discovery to learn much of themselves, as well as of their child.

Despite the young adult target, my little guy became instantly attracted to the two central characters. During our phone conversation, Lynn Messina offered her opinion of the story's wide appeal: 

"It works on so many different levels, ....there's the story, and then there are all of those analogies to real life...between us and our computers; the inversions of us and the machines. That's a rabbit hole that, if you're older, you can kind of enjoy going down."
"I went to see Wall-E, and was watching those first 20 minutes where there was kind of this opera of him on the planet alone. I thought 'what can I do to this formula to make it different?And I thought 'I can invert it. I can make everything opposite day.'"

Wall-E: lonely, timid, yearning for friendship, and forced out his comfort zone hoping to be rewarded.
That's one reason this book works so well: those are emotions which translate, regardless of age. 
It does not put extraordinary pressure on the main character to be a hero, in fact, this family's robot father is chosen to take care of this particular human because he has "...distinguished yourself with your overwhelming averageness."
No pressure.

The language in the book can be challenging. Young readers - as well as us older folks - have our brains tossed into to a bit of a wrestling match. But, like play-fighting with a sibling on a carpet, the tussle itself is part of the fun: "Jane pulled her car into the driveway behind her husband's Esperzo 2167 3/4 sedanmobile..."
The language also manages to describe certain human conditions in a way that perhaps our daily language should: "Fainting was a fail-safe built into the human's system to prevent cases of berserkoness..."

The storytelling also touches on themes common to any reader; but especially young ones: being picked last on the team, and isolation, and loneliness.

But the emotion is softened as we observe a human boy through the eyes of his robot companion, Henry. Henry doesn't watch his friend cry; but rather sees that: "Droplets of water fell from its light sensors." 
Whether read allowed to your grade-school children,  or alone as a young adult, discussing Henry and 'ETC's' missteps can be a gateway to a better understanding of young-adult life; as well as teach kids a thing or two  about their parents' own moments of irrationality: "Problem: Your units eyes are dripping and it emits a high-frequency whining from its mouth. Likely cause: Your unit is depressed, an emotionality condition that can last anywhere from two minutes to twenty years."

Although touching on topics such as having a friend who is a bad influence, or that jolting moment when your son shows up with a tattoo, this really winds up into a classic hero tale.
The author explains: 

"It was always a hero quest, because in my mind I don't know any other kind of story....some kind of underdog kid who overcomes something and achieves a great goal."

The book's greatest lessons are woven into poignant and funny sentences which come up for air every couple of pages. How better to summarize humanity than:

Observe caution when handling. Humans may leak or explode if improperly handled. To prevent crying jags and fits of anger, treat with kindness."

What's left to say after that, except: "Good night; we'll read more tomorrow."
The robots in this story understand us better than we do ourselves. But, through reading it, we can catch up a little. 

 

 

Customer Service Done Right: Two Nights at the Delta Ottawa City Centre

Blogging can be an effective form of consumer protection. Expressing yourself, from the comforts of your writing desk, to an audience of hundreds, thousands, or tens of thousands can truly make the pen keyboard mightier than the sword.

However,  as much as the blogshpere can be a mountain-top from which one can throw a tantrum; it must also be used to give credit when it's due. Otherwise one is no better than anonymous trolls lurking in comment sections.

I don't do product reviews. But:
Almost exactly one year ago I wrote of an unfortunate hotel experience; a weekend when a family vacation was somewhat derailed by a massive construction project.
That hotel was the Delta Ottawa City Centre.
It would be disingenuous to use my electronic platform to whine and complain about a wrong; then to remain silent once it's been made right.
These past two days; they invited us back to not only showcase their newly minted renovations; but prove they were ready to play ball.

They hit it out of the park.

 Customer service, for me, has never been about the freebies; but rather about fulfilling three categories:

1. Surpassing, and not simply meeting, expectations.
2. Anticipating problems before they become problems.
3. Challenging yourself to provide a service which is so good, the customer can't help but recommend your business to others.

 The Delta Team (wasn't that a Chuck Norris movie?) has transformed a couple of nights in a hotel - with a couple of hours of (14 below zero!) skating thrown in - into moments worth treasuring and passing along to friends and followers.

Some of those moments were:

Josée at the front desk: It began with her cheerfulness and bags of toys for the kids upon our arrival (at my age, I should not be so proud when I beat an 8-year-old at Connect-4), and continued with her answers to our questions and solutions for our concerns throughout the day.

Stephen's note slipped under the door: Which answered our inquiries about pool hours and wished our kids a happy swim - one fewer phone call or trip to the lobby is always welcome!

Claire in the lounge: Who was on her way down to our room to deliver my daughter's stuffed goldfish (lost under our dinner table) to her before bedtime - one fewer reason to pull my shoes on and chase after the thing.

and ultimately

Lisa, Josée, Stephen, & Julie: Who organized a happy birthday sing-a-long for my soon-to-be 6-year-old at our room door, complete with a small pastries, sparkler and candle. You know when your kid is torn between joining the sing-a-long and hiding behind your knee, it's something she'll remember.

Consider this make-good, made good.
Ultimately, this level of service can be measured by its result: on our next trip to Ottawa, my kids will ask to stay at that hotel we were at last time, 'cause it was fun. You know, the one where my son spilled an awesome Shirley Temple on the floor of their new slick retro-design bar in the main lobby.

Thank you, Delta Team.

I received NO compensation for the writing or publishing of this post.

Lessons Learned at The Summit of Dads

A Summit of Daddy Bloggers.
It sounded quaint, even to me - a 'Daddy Blogger' (for the record, I prefer 'Parenting Blogger').

I signed up for the conference after repeatedly having the importance of networking uploaded into my psyche; especially if I ever hoped to be a successful blogger or book author.
I spent the two flights over searching for justifications, and practicing hiding my nerves.

My expectations were the following: golf shirts; baseball caps; goatees; beer; and just enough content to justify heading to the local steak joint for an expensive meal which would be interrupted constantly by the din of the televisions dangling off the walls.

Apparently, battling stereotypes begins with me.

What followed over the next two days was, for me, nothing less than revolutionary.
While being a Father is often synonymous with listing out loud the important life-lessons one must teach his children; it took this special group of fathers, and mothers, to make me aware of how much I needed to learn.
What follows are lessons I took with me from a gathering of Dads in Texas:

Being successful means working for it: 

- I learned this first on a grand scale from the Opening Keynote Speaker Jeff Pulver. I listened as he spoke of his own loneliness he healed though the support of strangers treading within the electronic waves of ham radio. By the time he reached the story's crescendo of monetary success and the sale of Vonage, I was stuck mostly by two of his qualities: his fearlessness in admiting his vulnerability throughout his life; and how he constantly took risks to develop ideas, solely because he believed in them.
- I then learned this lesson a second time on a smaller scale from panelist Tracy Beckerman: "Go. Speak. Sell yourself. Waive your speaking fees and ask that they let you sell books instead." In other words: work at it. Don't give away your talent without something in return. Place value on the hours you put into your writing.
In other words, turn off HBO every once in a while, don't look for shortcuts, and put in the hours. Or, be satisfied with the status quo.

I am not as unusual or unique as I thought - and that's a good thing:

- I listened to a father, viciously alienated from his children by his ex-wife, explain how he will always be there; always show up, despite his lawyer pointing out that "most dads give up at this point." Once his children (hopefully) complete their journey though emotional healing, he will be there. My marriage is fine, but I now know it is OK to be from a broken family; and I understand more than ever relatives who lurk in the sidelines rather than give up. I also now recognize dads showing up for what it is: courage; and what it's not: bothersome.  
-I am not unusual in not gravitating to football metaphors and cheerleaders. These dads were involved, and sensitive, and intelligent, and different from one another, without being fearful of the competition.
-After my second day of fighting off dry-mouth and weird abdominal quivers brought on by nerves (I was feeling dry and cold - Texas is more like Canada than I thought), I finally voiced my condition out loud:
                                "Man, I can't warm up; I think it's nerves."
                                "You're not alone; everyone here is nervous." was the answer.
I should have hugged him; at least I would have temporarily warmed up.

It is possible to want success for yourself, while also being generous with others:

- Thank you Geek Dad, Andrew Mellen, ReWriting Dad, Dada Rocks and so many others for your advice, contacts, feedback, and similar points of few, which you shared selflessly so often throughout the weekend.

I can be vulnerable, and feel shame with it meaning the end of my pursuit.

This most important lesson of the weekend (for me) was taught by Keynote Speaker Brené Brown.
I learned that I can, and need to put myself at emotional risk to expect reward. As mentions the title of her book (which I mostly devoured on the two flights home), I need to "Dare Greatly". It may (will) lead to embarrassment, and criticism, and mockery; but never from those I trust and hold dear.
After listening to her for an hour, I was left with the same feeling one has after an effective therapy session. I didn't feel better; but rather destabilized. I know that "better" is down the road somewhere, but right now, I needed to be knocked around a little.
I now know that taking risks with my emotions will develop stronger relationships at home, and more satisfaction from my writing career.
I may go nowhere with books or speaking engagements, but I won't be hiding behind all the reasons which keep me from speaking out in the first place.

 This was not just a "Dad Summit" as I expected; but rather the Summit of Fatherhood.