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We still think of ourselves as adult individuals, contributing positively to modern society. It's just that, once you're a parent, fewer and fewer others think of you that way. You become defined by your role as a parent. You're 'So-and-so's Mom or Dad".
In this post for Parentdish.ca, I dissect what defines me as a parent:
Last week's post discussed a study by the Canadian Women's Foundation, which highlighted the disproportionate number of young girls (ages 9-16) who described themselves as fat, or as being on a diet, or thought of themselves as ugly. In each of those categories the girls outnumbered the boys by an average of 3 to 1.
In a recent interview Beth Malcolm, Director of the Girl’s Fund at the Canadian Women’s Foundation, went into greater detail with me as to why young girls develop such feelings of shame in reference to themselves. She also offered some advice for parents to help counteract the development of self-scrutiny in children as young as 5-years-old.
CHILDREN PICK UP ON PATTERNS AT HOME & ONLINE
Weight and beauty have become such focuses of our daily lives, and such a part of mass-media, that making passing comments about our own body image, or poor nutrition, has become part of our daily lexicon. Ms. Malcolm points out how that kind of flippant bombardment registers very easily with young girls, and quickly leaves an impression:
"Kids hear parents talking about 'I need to cut back on this', or 'I need to diet this way'...They are hearing it from the adults in their lives, as well as the advertisement that’s out there. Even for the kids who are on Facebook, there are ads popping up all the time targeted to them. The advertising is there all the time about 'Lose weight, lose weight, lose weight'."
BODY-IMAGE BOMBARDMENT CAN LEAD TO DISORDERED THINKING
This type of constant bombardment can create a fixation which can threaten a young girl's physical and mental health to the point of creating a disorder. She referred to a McCreary Centre Society study which found that 60% of girls who were objectively evaluated as being too thin, described themselves as being 'fat'.
"That’s an extreme example of what kids are facing on a regular basis in terms of magazines and billboards and videogames...and even the clothing they buy. Even when they go into store, the mannequins are size 4 and 6, and lots of kids aren’t that size. They try on the clothes that they thought looked great on the mannequin, and they don’t look that great (on themselves). But rather than questioning ‘Well, wait, that mannequin was exceptionally thin', they start to criticize themselves and be to critical of their own bodies."
HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUNG WOMEN TO THINK CRITICALLY?
Being at such an impressionable age, it is vital all young people--and especially young women who are most affected by these messages--learn to understand how the message is being manipulated. For many of them, they are unaware of advertisers' Photoshopping and airbrushing of images, which creates unrealistic expectations in their young readers.
Ms. Malcolm explained how one of her friends agreed to allow her 12-year-old daughter to subscribe to a teen magazine under the condition the two of them would sit down and look through each issue together. Her friend acknowledged that, should she refuse the subscription, her daughter would resort to reading these publications outside the home with her friends. She realized this was an opportunity to take control of a situation and use it to teach her daughter think critically.
HOW TO YOU BEGIN BODY-IMAGE DISCUSSIONS WITH VERY YOUNG CHILDREN?
The CWF study specifically dealt with girls aged 9-16. How do you approach such an abstract topic with an even younger girl? I was particularly interested in some guidance; my 6-year-old daughter had recently commented on how her snowsuit made her look fat.
"I think it’s being honest with your kids. When you put on a snowsuit you tend to look large, you can’t help it. But you can change the language a little bit.
You can say 'You don’t look fat, the snowsuit makes you look larger.' You have to be honest. If they say they look fat in their snowsuit, you can talk about 'Yeah, but you are really special inside. You have this strength or that strength’ or ‘You’re amazing at this activity.’
You can shift the language. You don’t have to get into a whole lecture about body image or body weight, because they're 6."
MAKE CRITICAL THINKING PART OF EVERYDAY LANGUAGE
Even better than using that type of encouragement solely as a defense against self-deprecating comments. Ms. Malcolm suggests a preventative measure of teaching your children to have a realistic profile of their real-word surroundings on a daily basis.
"When you’re walking around, or at the movies, show them that people come in all shapes and sizes.
I think it’s important to shift that language and talk about getting more active or eating healthy."
She referred to two books by Lyn Mikel Brown & Sharon Lamb: "Packaging Girlhood" and "Packaging Boyhood" (also with Mark Tappan). She relayed how Ms. Brown, one of the authors, once told her how some of the most poingnant conversations between her and her daughter took place while watching a movie or a television show. They would turn entertainment into an opportunity to learn about unrealistic body image portrayals for the purposes of entertainment.
PARENTS SHOULD LEARN WHAT TO TALK ABOUT & WHAT TO STOP SAYING
Ultimately, Ms. Malcolm says, it's up to parents to be more aware of their own language patterns, while at the same time teaching their children not to fixate on the unrealistic messages from outside the home.
"Accept who you are and how you look and stop being critical of yourself. It’s probably a long slow shift we have to make. We have to teach kids to be critical about what they’re seeing and maybe turn off the TV at that time...You have to listen to the kids and let them take the lead. Really listen to what they’re saying and you’re going to start to hear things. As you start to hear things, have the conversation when they come up.
That’s the big challenge: kids have to understand that what they’re seeing isn’t necessarily real."
My 6-year-old daughter put on her new snowsuit yesterday. "It makes me look fat." she said.
Where does that language come from? Why does she care? Is she picking it up from school?
For anyone who has a daughter, language like this may not be surprising. A new study released by the Canadian Women's Foundation highlights how "relentless body shaming puts girls at risk".
The study "reveals the impact of the constant scrutiny of women's bodies has on girls aged 9 to 16".
Here are some of the findings:
Notice these facts have to do with how girl's feel about themselves, not how others view them.
The CWF says "We would like to believe society is changing their approach to women's and girls' body image. However, Lululemon Founder Chip Wilson's recent comments about how some women's bodies 'just don't actually work' with his company's pants, highlight how far we have to go."
As with most patterns and lessons absorbed by your children, learning confidence and resilience begins at home, with their parents.
Here are the CWF's Top 7 Do's and Don'ts which will nurture resilience in your daughter:
1. DON’T bite your tongue. If people say things you disagree with or treat you in a disrespectful way, speak up. She needs to know it’s okay to stand up for herself, even at the risk of hurting someone’s feelings or causing disagreement.
2. DON’T talk about how fat you look. Never criticize your appearance in front of her or make negative comments about the way she or other females look. Let her know you value people’s inner qualities - like curiosity and courage - more than outward appearance.
3. DON’T put yourself down. Never make jokes about how incompetent you are, or make light of your own skills and abilities. She will learn to minimize her own accomplishments and may lower her future ambitions.
4. DO let her lead. When choosing school or social activities, ask her opinion and provide genuine choice. Rather than saying, “Do you want to take dance or singing?” ask open-ended questions like, “What interests you these days?”
5. DO let her take risks. Assuming her physical or mental health isn’t at stake, try not to be over-protective. Don’t rob her of the chance to be accountable for her own decisions and to learn from her own mistakes. If she fails, congratulate her for trying but don’t rescue her.
6. DO validate her experience. If she has ‘negative’ feelings or is having problems with her friends, don’t say “It’s not that bad” or try to cheer her up. Listen with respect, acknowledge that things sound difficult, and ask if there is anything you can do. Don’t pressure her to talk when she doesn’t want to. Instead, find lighthearted ways to strengthen your connection with her, like going for a walk or bike ride. If she is having problems with friends, encourage her to think more critically about the situation; suggest she pretend she is watching the conflict on TV or in a movie; what motivations and solutions does she see? If she is in genuine distress, get outside help.
7. DO provide fair and consistent structure. Presented in the spirit of love and caring, rules help young people feel protected and connected. Adolescents are less likely to engage in problem behaviours when adults know what they’re doing, and who they’re with. Set clear expectations for behaviour related to attending school, doing homework, sharing chores, and abiding by curfews.
Next week, I will post part two relating to this topic. It will include excerpts with the Director of the Girl's Fund at the Canadian Women's Foundation, Beth Malcom.
We'll talk more specifically about the girls outside this age range, and how to better correct patterns which may have already started to take hold.
On my most recent appearance on Breakfast Television Montreal, I sat down with Joanne Vrakas to talk about how electronics can be a convenience, but they can also interfere with fostering a healthy family relationship. Here's how to unplug:
#BTMTL: Kenny Bodanis on Unplugging Your Kids
A special thank you to the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority for providing the following guest post, and accompanying media:
Travelling for Christmas?
During the holidays, thousands take to the skies to celebrate with friends and family.
It's the time of year to give gifts to our loved ones. That being said, there are some restrictions on what can be brought on board a plane. The Canadian Air Transport Security Authority (CATSA) has a few simple tips to get through security hassle-free.
Flying with the kids?
Snowy weather and bulky outerwear can make flying in winter a hassle, especially if you have children. The tips below will help you and your family at the security checkpoint.
At home:
At the airport:
Going South?
If you are flying somewhere warm this winter, CATSA recommends these tips to make getting through the security checkpoint quicker and easier:
At home:
At the airport:
Bringing sports equipment?
If you are bringing sports gear on a flight to hit the slopes, the ice, or the trails this winter, the following information will be useful:
Ice skates are the only winter sports item that is allowed in your carry-on baggage. For bigger items, like snowboards, skis and hockey sticks, you will have to include them with your checked baggage. Different airlines have varying restrictions on the size, weight and packing of these items, so it’s best to check with them prior to travel.
Be prepared, have fun and travel safe this winter.
For more tips on preparing for security screening visit www.catsa.gc.ca or on Twitter, @catsa_gc.
Saturday night, my wife and I watched The Conjuring (Honey, I apologize for the bruises. Digging my nails into your thigh did offer me some comfort).
Other than a cellar which left a lasting fear I haven't experienced since, at twelve-years-old, I read Stephen King's "The Shining", one image stays with me two days after the viewing.
The movie takes place in the early 70's. One scene shows a researcher asleep at his desk at 3am. In the background, the television shows nothing but static.
The station had signed off.
Remember those decades? That era of broadcasting when networks decided nightly they had nothing left to show you?
Often they would play the national anthem as a music bed, over which they would display a montage mountains and cities, animals and farmers, and mountain peaks and plains.
Then? Good night. We've got nothing left.
Long before MTV disguised a series of acoustic performances as novel ideology ("Look! It's Eric Clapton playing without electricity!"...apart from the amps for his instruments and the beautiful lightshow.), 'Unplugged' is what we would all become at some point during the day. There was simply nothing left to accomplish after bedtime.
Unplugging or signing-off has metamorphisized into not only a near impossibility, but also a state in which those who practice it may be branded 'odd' or 'reclusive'. (Turn on your phone, man!)
As a child, I remember my parents not answering calls during the supper hour. The green rotary telephone would hang from the wall ringing uselessly, attempting to annoy us out of our chairs.
Now? Dinner time has become the best time to reach Mom or Dad (just ask telemarketers). With our responsibilities to the office, to our children's schools, to their extra-curricular activities, to their homework, etc, 5:30pm-6:30pm has now become a favorite target of the "Sorry to bother you, but..." conversation.
At the very least, call display has become a spatula, prying us from the dining area to satisfy our curiosity about who may be calling us during supper: "I'll just go see who it is..."
Whether it's our residential phone line (for those among us dinosaurs who still have one)--or our cell phones, or our children's cell phones--we are being notified into oblivion.
E-mail notifications.
Facebook notifications.
Twitter notifications.
Calendar notifications.
Image courtesy TechnoBuffalo.com
Yes, they can be turned off, but that curiosity, that need to know is more persistent...("I wonder if he responded...", "I wonder if that post got any hits...", "I just have to let work know about...").
More and more schoolwork is being done online (many schools, including my own children's, have instituted iPad programmes (another windfall of money and ideology for the Mac family). Digital homework is certainly more alluring than that of the pencil sharpening variety. But, encouraging our children's digital growth produces a need to patrol and contain their digital curiosity.
"Only your homework, nothing more."
"Okay, if you're done, turn it off."
"Honey, that's not a toy, let your brother do his homework."
Parents often negotiate more time with their children (and with each other). The new currency is a promise not to sign-off. While being reachable through cells phones and emails may allow more physical freedoms, psychologically we end up being wirelessly tethered to external responsibilities for longer periods--often through the dinner hour and into the evening.
It is not freedom from obligation. Rather, it's more freedom to maneuver by way of an extended leash.
One theory I've put into practice is to deliberately extend my wait period before I return a phone call or an email. I do this to lower the sender's expectations. I do it also to teach myself to have a more sensible definition of what is urgent.
So far, it's working beautifully.
With a buffer built into my response time, I feel more confident ignoring phone calls and emails and notifications.
I still hear my phone buzz and beep and vibrate. I still twitch (a fascinating autonomic response--as though my body needs me to go check my messages). But evenings are slowly becoming my own.
After all, if a 1970's demonologist with a family's life hanging in the balance can be undisturbed by a television which offers nothing, surely I, too, can conjure some peace and quiet.
How connected are you to your electronics? Do you have "sign-off" rules?
Kenny B.
P.S. Richard S: Thank you for suggesting that movie. I'm never speaking to you again.
