MenGetPregnantToo

Truthbook Rather than Facebook Could Alleviate Holiday Depression

You're expecting 15 guests around your holiday table. Your “to do” list includes:

• Appetizers (after all -  the first guests arrive just after noon)
• Drinks for adults and children (alcoholic, non-alcoholic, regular, sugar-free, caffeine-free...)
• Main courses (which must accommodate as main 21st century dietary trends as possible)
• Sides (even though you delegated this to relatives, you leave nothing to chance)
• Deserts (indulgence, first and foremost)
• House cleaning (especially the bathrooms!)
• Wrapping token gifts (despite the agreement that there should be none; you shan't be alone this year in ignoring the rule.)

You could have asked for help, or simply accepted when it was offered, but for you, hosting is synonymous with accepting burden. The Food Network makes it look so easy. Besides, you have Friday off work (your first recess since Labor Day) that should be plenty of time.

For the 48 hours before the feast, not only are you struggling to execute, but you are also walking a tightrope threaded with the symptoms of anxiety: fatigue coupled with an elevated heart rate, impatience towards both the task you are racing to complete as well as towards your family members, distraction which just exacerbates inefficiency, and feelings of helplessness. Yet, somehow you manage to post a photo of a holiday decoration, or of a completed recipe, or of a wreath. Your post is tagged with "Can't wait's," and "So excited's," and "Only a few more hours!!!" Maybe you can hashtag your way to happiness? After all, it feels so good, being liked...being shared...being tagged. Online, who doesn't want to be "It"?  When praise is an addiction, its absence creates a vacuum filled by self-blame, self-criticism, and shame.

Frederico Morando - Internet Addiction

Those feelings are not criminal. The crime is that, with all that is shared in cyberspace, our true selves are tucked under the bed. The dopamine of "like" supercedes the bruising of being honest. 

Online does not tolerate "Can't handle it." Social media doesn't retweet "I wish I had more time." Facebook doesn't like "I'm not sure I'm ready for this." Your exhibition has become fake news.

Depression loves dishonesty, and online profiles reward cosmetics. That is why unearthing a peer willing to share stories of holiday stress is such a bijou. Anxiety is no longer a subject with a public face. When it is discussed, it is referred to as a disorder, a state which requires treatment.

Apprehension and loneliness during the holidays are not afflictions, they are symptoms of everyday humanity.

Perhaps a resolution this winter should be to begin sharing more than our Instagram lives; to not rely on Facebook posts to be pillars of a masquerade; but rather to use social media to provide social solace, and to seek out true connections within the ether.

 

 

 

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On Breakfast Television: The Pro's and Con's of Tech Gifts for Kids

For my 7th birthday, my oldest brother bought be a five-dollar X-Wing fighter which looked exactly like Luke Skywalker's. It was about 4 inches across and I was thrilled.
Among the "toys" on my children's list for Santa was an iPad; a Wii U; and a Furby.

Some children learn that Santa says "No" to some toys, others will be enjoying a new tablet, and still others will be given one by Mom and/or Dad.
On my most recent visit to BT Montreal, I talk with Joanne Vrakas about the pro's and con's of giving your kids - and therefore the whole family - expensive tech gifts.

BT Montreal: Tech Gifts for Kids

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In What World is this a ‘Time for Rest and Reflection’??

This another in a series from my weekly column, "Questions Parents Ask" at Lifeworks.com. It was originally published Christmastime 2013. Over the past year...little has changed. Enjoy!

****

My stockings were not hung by the chimney with care. They were hung with a hammer and a slight bout of impatience. My index finger, a victim of a wayward blow, began to swell.

My daughter, my son, my niece and my nephew ‘decorated’ the tree. They started by stringing the lights around my ‘discount’ spruce (which, after tax and the couple of extra garlands my wife threw on the counter, cost only slightly more than the retail one I bought last year). Before the kids were halfway done, the tree looked like a hostage of the Christmas season: it so was tightly wrapped in lighted electrical wire, its branches pointing directly north, victims of a rude and violent cinching. It took me twenty minutes to free them, another twenty minutes to re-light the bush, and a final twenty to vacuum needles which were being scattered towards heating ducts.

Photo: Robert the Nold "137 of 365 days"

At least, unlike parents, the tree doesn’t have to become the Ethan Hunt of Christmas shopping:

“Hello Mr. Hunt. This mission, should you choose to accept it, includes the following tasks:

• Leave work early, convincing your boss you have ‘personal business to attend to’, in order that you may:
• Sprint from store to store before the ‘after-work crowd’ (i.e. ethical employees picking up your slack) deprive each other of oxygen as they search the shelves for toys they knew weeks ago their kids were desperate for.
• Once the gifts have been acquired, you must proceed directly home and store the gifts under the kitty litter in the garage garbage can, lest they be noticed by the children whom you are now...
• ...Late picking up. You will now drive more erratically than this ludicrous weather safely permits, and collect your children. Slow your breathing in order that these lovely offspring not detect your level of exhaustion and exasperation.
• Once the children are in bed. Do NOT forget the gifts are still hidden in the unheated garage. You may want to leave the electronics in the trash can, Ethan, the cold has already destroyed the circuitry.

This message will self-destruct in five minutes...which will seem like a relative eternity when compared to the minutes of actual relaxation you are about to experience over the holidays.”

Did you ever wonder if, perhaps, there is a reason Santa only delivers once annually? Perhaps he avoids using a noisy motorised vehicle, and evades and face-to-face contact, after millennia of experience with children.
Maybe that’s the real lesson of Christmas: go like gangbusters for twenty-four solid hours, then retreat to cottage country - as cold as it may be - and take the next three-hundred-sixty-four days off.

 

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As part of our collaboration on this post, Canadian Tire has made a generous donation to the Canadian Cancer Society on behalf of this blog.

*****

"You were in a little bed, which we tossed on the back seat of the car. Then we drove home from the hospital with our new baby."

That was how my father described my first trip home during the winter of 1971.
Safety and comfort were non-issues.
Growing up in Montreal with first cousins in Toronto, road trips down highway 401 were an adventure to "look forward to" a half-dozen times a year.
I have two older brothers and a younger sister. Our car back then, a red GMC Hornet, had front and rear bench seats. My sister, who was - and still is - much smaller than me, sat sandwiched between my parents in front; I negotiated that weird hump between my feet as I was compacted between my brothers in the back.
Each of my older siblings nestled their heads against their pillows which were propped against the windows, my head kept getting jerked and shrugged off their shoulders as I tried to drift to sleep.
Entertainment was a book - which made me car sick when I tried to read it - snacks were peaches and nectarines - which became increasingly bruised as the rough suspension negotiated Canada's busiest stretch of highway.

These trips decades ago made me very empathetic towards my own children during long trips, as well as made me very aware how many gadgets and tools are now available for new and expectant parents heading out on the road.

Even a simple trip to a local Canadian Tire store can go a long way toward being prepared for many foreseen (and unexpected!) speed bumps during your trip. Here are some tips and tricks to help smooth out those pot holes: 

 

Boon Cargo Snack Box

• Seasonal Maintenance: When I bring my car into a garage before a long road trip (by the way, according to a national survey on road trip and car cleaning behaviour conducted on behalf of Canadian Tire, almost half of Canadians (47%) state a maintenance check is not their first priority when planning a lengthy drive.  Trust me: GET THE CHECK-UP!), I make a point of telling the person at the counter I am headed on a long, hot, road trip. It is bad enough watching your temperature gauge rise, or dealing with shoddy tire pressure when you are alone on the road. The stress becomes exponential when you have little kids in the car (or in the womb). Get the oil check, the inspection, and the tune up.

• Plan Possible Rest Stops: With the brand new "On Route" rest stations scattered along the highway, mapping out pit stops is a cinch. Their locations can be found on this map. 
  We all begin our road trips with pre-conceived ideas of where we will grab a coffee, fill up, and stop for lunch. However, especially with infants, nothing goes exactly as planned. Look ahead and be aware of how far away you might be from somewhere to grab some water or milk, and find a diaper change station.

• GPS is Your Friend: Especially when heading to a new town, don't hesitate to pre-program your GPS and have it within easy reach. It might be wise, if you have a co-pilot, to sit down with your travel partner and be sure you are both familiar with the device. Pulling into a strange area after sunset and fumbling for the controls or searching for street names, while the baby reminds your how exhausted he or she is,is no fun. 

 

Boon Snack Ball

• Prepare Snacks (and autonomous snack containers!) For the Little Ones: There are a variety of inexpensive snack boxes, sippy cups, and other containers available (yes, you can pick those up at Canadian Tire while your car is being tuned up!). Many of these are now manufactured BPA-Free, and ergonomically designed, so that, other than the mess created by all tiny offspring, your little one can work on serving themselves while you enjoy your "quiet time" ;-).

• Car Seat Safety: Most parents are well aware of the importance of an up-to-date, properly installed car seat. Don't be shy to a local expert for help with installation. Driving at 100 km/h is no time to notice the seat is wiggling as much as the little person in it! 

 

Ferrari Highback Booster

 I love long drives. This summer, my family and I are headed to Sandbanks Provincial Park, as well as a trip east to the Maritimes. Driving takes my mind off work, lowers my stress level, and is a great way for all of us to reconnect as a family. Being prepared helps ensure those worries so prevalent at home and at the office don't catch up to you on the highway.

 

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Parents, Children & Food: A Complicated Relationship

I was listening intently to a radio interview with Clare Lord of WISE Philosophy, a program she founded "for emotional eaters who misuse food to numb and avoid uncomfortable feelings." I was curious about how a parent who was an emotional eater may pass some of those nutritional habits - as well some as those emotional scars - on to their children.
I spoke to Clare directly. The answers she had for me were startling. Not only do I now have a new perspective on disordered eating, I am also now more aware of how, as a parent, I should be careful of how I use food in my own household.

First, I wanted to understand how men and women (mothers and fathers) have developed different self-images where weight is concerned.

"Men simply don’t see themselves as being overweight."

"Whereas most women will judge themselves to be overweight though they may be at a normal weight, with men the research has found it is actually the opposite. Even though they’re overweight, they’ll under report their weight. And they’re much less likely to realize they’re carrying excess weight.
In fact, when I was looking at eating disorders – I don’t care for this term, because I think it’s a little glib – there is a term called ‘Bigorexia’. Women suffer from anorexia, and think they can’t be small enough, but men seem to suffer from ‘Bigorexia’, thinking they can’t be big enough, or bulked up enough, or muscled up enough. So, where women are more likely to (have) the Barbie syndrome, men are likely to have the G.I. Joe syndrome."

"Children don’t articulate, they imitate."

One of the dangers of men and women developing a skewed self-image, is that image transfers to their children.
The WISE Philosophy founder explained how, for young men trying to model muscular adults, this translates into those young men buying over-the-counter supplements such as protein shakes.
For young women, the danger is even greater they will fall into a pattern which will lead to anorexia:

"(The young girls) hear about mommy saying 'Well, you know, I stepped on the scale today, I’ve  gained 5 pounds. But, come New Year's I’m back on that diet and I’m calling weight watchers."

It is this (predominantly moms) tendency toward dieting, combined with derogatory off-the-cuff comments about body image (most often from Dad) which can eventually lead to an unhealthy pattern:

The number one trigger for disordered eating is: a dieting mother and a father who just sort of pinches his daughter’s waist and says 'You’re getting a little chunky; you know boys don’t like chunky girls.'
So what happens? The young girl starts on a diet, and she picks this mythical number 115, 110, 105, whatever. It is because she feels that is the magical number when all her problems will disappear. The problem is, she gets down to 110; guess what? She still doesn’t have a boyfriend, still didn’t get the ‘A’, and her parents are still hassling her. But instead of looking at the methodology or the strategy she says  'The problem is the number. 110 was not right, so now it’s 105; now it’s 100' and so forth and so on. That’s how someone can slide into anorexia pretty easily."

Photo: To Eat or Not to Eat by Danielle Helm

"Guilty, stressed-out parents create stressed-out insatiable children."

Not surprisingly, being aware of what we are feeding ourselves and, more importantly why, is the important step in not creating unhealthy habits in our children.
I am 6'0" 180lbs. I am not overweight, nor have I ever been. However, especially when my wife is out for the evening and my children are in bed, I will easily polish off a family size bag of potato chips washed down with a beer or two. Why? Clare Lord feels all of our indulgences and addictions - from food to electronics to clothing to drugs and alcohol - serve the same purpose. Food is often highlighted because it is so accessible:

 "Food is easy and on every corner. So it’s (a parent saying to their child) 'I see you’re a little stressed out today, let’s not make dinner tonight, let's order pizza.' As parents, we often equate food with comfort. We don’t mean to, but we do. Doing this once or twice or five times as a parent is no big deal, but a daily basis of this - and having other factors at play - is not good.
Most adults use (the holiday season) to just go hog wild. And maybe a 3-year-old isn’t going to pick up on this, but I think an 8-or-10-year-old definitely sees mom or dad in the kitchen picking the turkey fat off and shoving it down, or drinking too much, or eating too much. Grandma’s there, and everybody’s stressed.
(Parents) also model the fact that 'Mummy’s had a hard day, so I’m going to have my chips and wine, and then we’ll have dinner.' You don’t have to hear it as children to see that this is the way that mommy or daddy copes with emotion. 

Photo: I Just Want to be Happy by Brave Little Bird

"I think people are addicted to the feeling of not feeling."

This is one of the reasons Clare says dieting doesn't work. The reasons for a person's poor eating habits are not dealt with. Parents still outwardly express their anxiety or stress, and compound that with remarks about their diet.  She does not believe in 'food addiction.'

"I think it is self-esteem issues, it’s anger issues, it’s what we learned as children, it’s stress. I really see it as a combination of current stress and past unhealed hurt.
I think it manifests itself differently because men tend to externalize their anger, and women tend to internalize.(Whether in men or in women) the genesis is absolutely the same: the feeling that we don’t matter. 

What we do know, is we matter greatly to our children. The more easily (and quickly) we parents identify our reasons for seeking comfort in food or drink, the better equipped we'll be to support our healthy children though the trials which await them outside the home. 

For more information on Wise Philosophy's programs visit WisePhilosophy.ca or call them toll free at 1-855-799-WISE.

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Winter Travel Plans? Here's How to Get Through Airport Security Faster

A special thank you to the Canadian Air Transport Security Authority for providing the following guest post, and accompanying media:

Travelling for Christmas?

During the holidays, thousands take to the skies to celebrate with friends and family.
It's the time of year to give gifts to our loved ones. That being said, there are some restrictions on what can be brought on board a plane. The Canadian Air Transport Security Authority (CATSA) has a few simple tips to get through security hassle-free.

• Avoid wrapping presents: officers may have to unwrap them for control purposes. Wait until you arrive at your destination, or take advantage of some airports' gift-wrapping services located past security.

• Avoid bringing presents that contain liquid, aerosols or gels in your carry-on luggage. This includes: alcohol, wine, beer, snow globes, canned soup, maple syrup, perfume and lotions. Put them in your checked baggage or send them separately.

Flying with the kids?

Snowy weather and bulky outerwear can make flying in winter a hassle, especially if you have children. The tips below will help you and your family at the security checkpoint. 

At home:

• Make sure your family wears easy-to-remove outwear and avoid clothing with metal snaps and buttons on your travel day.

• Keep the kids happy by packing their favourite snacks – solid foods like fruit and chocolate are allowed in your carry-on bag. Liquids and gels are restricted to 100mL unless you’re travelling with a child under the age of two, in which case you can bring more than 100mL of baby food, formula, milk, water and juice.

At the airport:

• Use the Family/Special Needs screening line for more assistance. You will find one at most major airports.
• Let a screening officer know if anyone in your family has special needs and requires extra time or help during security screening.

• Make sure your family knows they will need to remove their winter outerwear for screening – coats, hats, etc.

 Going South?

If you are flying somewhere warm this winter, CATSA recommends these tips to make getting through the security checkpoint quicker and easier:

At home:

• Pack your sunscreen and all other liquids, aerosols, and gels in your checked baggage. If you need to bring some of these items in your carry-on bag, they must be in containers of 100mL or less and packed together in a clear, resealable 1L plastic bag. 

• On your travel day, avoid wearing clothing with metal buttons and snaps, and dress comfortably with easy-to-remove outwear, belts and shoes.

At the airport:

• Have your boarding pass out and ready to show the screening officer.

• Put your sunglasses in the bin carefully so that they do not fall out during screening.

• Remove everything from your pockets and put the contents in a bin before going through the metal detector.

Bringing sports equipment?

If you are bringing sports gear on a flight to hit the slopes, the ice, or the trails this winter, the following information will be useful:

Ice skates are the only winter sports item that is allowed in your carry-on baggage. For bigger items, like snowboards, skis and hockey sticks, you will have to include them with your checked baggage. Different airlines have varying restrictions on the size, weight and packing of these items, so it’s best to check with them prior to travel.

 
Be prepared, have fun and travel safe this winter.

For more tips on preparing for security screening visit www.catsa.gc.ca or on Twitter, @catsa_gc.

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Can Men Be Romanced on Valentine's Day?

MenGetPregnantToo is a weekly contributor to "The Good Men Project". Every week I will have an article published on their site. There will be an even rotation between original content, and essays previously published on MenGetPregnantToo.com.

Today's original post argues that, in 2013, men should be as much the focus of romantic gestures on Valentine's Day as women.

Enjoy!

Can Men Be Romanced on Valentine's Day?

Photo: karenhorton / flickr

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Customer Service Done Right: Two Nights at the Delta Ottawa City Centre

Blogging can be an effective form of consumer protection. Expressing yourself, from the comforts of your writing desk, to an audience of hundreds, thousands, or tens of thousands can truly make the pen keyboard mightier than the sword.

However,  as much as the blogshpere can be a mountain-top from which one can throw a tantrum; it must also be used to give credit when it's due. Otherwise one is no better than anonymous trolls lurking in comment sections.

I don't do product reviews. But:
Almost exactly one year ago I wrote of an unfortunate hotel experience; a weekend when a family vacation was somewhat derailed by a massive construction project.
That hotel was the Delta Ottawa City Centre.
It would be disingenuous to use my electronic platform to whine and complain about a wrong; then to remain silent once it's been made right.
These past two days; they invited us back to not only showcase their newly minted renovations; but prove they were ready to play ball.

They hit it out of the park.

 Customer service, for me, has never been about the freebies; but rather about fulfilling three categories:

1. Surpassing, and not simply meeting, expectations.
2. Anticipating problems before they become problems.
3. Challenging yourself to provide a service which is so good, the customer can't help but recommend your business to others.

 The Delta Team (wasn't that a Chuck Norris movie?) has transformed a couple of nights in a hotel - with a couple of hours of (14 below zero!) skating thrown in - into moments worth treasuring and passing along to friends and followers.

Some of those moments were:

Josée at the front desk: It began with her cheerfulness and bags of toys for the kids upon our arrival (at my age, I should not be so proud when I beat an 8-year-old at Connect-4), and continued with her answers to our questions and solutions for our concerns throughout the day.

Stephen's note slipped under the door: Which answered our inquiries about pool hours and wished our kids a happy swim - one fewer phone call or trip to the lobby is always welcome!

Claire in the lounge: Who was on her way down to our room to deliver my daughter's stuffed goldfish (lost under our dinner table) to her before bedtime - one fewer reason to pull my shoes on and chase after the thing.

and ultimately

Lisa, Josée, Stephen, & Julie: Who organized a happy birthday sing-a-long for my soon-to-be 6-year-old at our room door, complete with a small pastries, sparkler and candle. You know when your kid is torn between joining the sing-a-long and hiding behind your knee, it's something she'll remember.

Consider this make-good, made good.
Ultimately, this level of service can be measured by its result: on our next trip to Ottawa, my kids will ask to stay at that hotel we were at last time, 'cause it was fun. You know, the one where my son spilled an awesome Shirley Temple on the floor of their new slick retro-design bar in the main lobby.

Thank you, Delta Team.

I received NO compensation for the writing or publishing of this post.

Getting Over Dad 2.0 Summit Fears at 32,000 Feet

 I’m 32,000 feet over the continental United States, somewhere between Philadelphia and Houston.
I touch down in 3 hours; I have that long to overcome my anxiety about attending the Dad 2.0 Summit.

I’ve performed stand-up comedy in Montreal, Toronto, Ottawa, and Vancouver; I’m a freelance television weather forecaster for CBC Montreal; calming my own nerves is something I’m familiar with. Yet, I’m uneasy about two days at the Four Seasons with a couple of hundred fellow bloggers. I gotta do something about that.

The solution to overcoming fears is three-fold:

1)      Identify why you are nervous.

2)      Put into perspective the real consequences of anything going wrong.

3)      Force yourself out of your comfort zone on a regular basis.

Why am I nervous about a blogger conference? 

Mostly, I hope the trip is worth it, and justifiable.

Living in Montreal, a trip to Houston is no small expense. There is also an added sacrifice for my family who is forsaking whatever this money would have otherwise been put towards: i.e. a trip for the four of us to the Maritimes this summer. 

How will I gauge if the conference was worth it? What do I hope to get out of it?
In an ideal world, I hope to meet a contact or two which would eventually lead to representation for, and the publishing of, my book.
Of course, the information provided at the conference will at the very least provide me with helpful tools to become a better blogger, as well as to provide me with some renewed dedication to writing in general.
Will I feel that is enough to fly home with? 

What are the real consequences of anything going wrong? 

Realistically: pretty much zero.
I have my wife’s support, regardless of what comes from the Summit.
At the very least, this will be a one-off; and provide this blogger (who, in the blogsphere, is a relative toddler) a peppering of life experience, and more Twitter contacts and Facebook friends.

 How willing am I to step out of my comfort zone?

Ahhh…this is the real meat and potatoes.

I’m gathering from the conferences newsletter, Facebook group, and Twitter chatter, there are many attendees who have not only tens of thousands more fans of their writing than I do, but also an established relationship with each other.

While secretly I hope to meet another ‘me’ – a startup blogger, a little shy of the bar scene, and reluctant to raise his hand during a conference break-out session – I know the people I should seek out are the Yins to my Yang. To make the most of this Summit, I need to be fearless of the loud groups of friends and the taxis to the karaoke bar after hours. I should show up to drive the Honda at the testing track, introduce myself to the alpha Dads (and Moms), and hand out business cards (freshly minted with my blog logo, thank you).

But, will I? Or will I sit back and take notes from the back of the room, read about the extra-curricular activities through the Twitter feed, retreat to my comfy room at the Four Seasons at 10pm, and cuddle with a bag of chips and a late movie?

I return to a mantra I would repeat to myself before any stand-up routine: what’s the worst that will happen if you step out there tonight?
Not much that I can’t live with.
I’ll only have myself to blame if I don’t make the most of the next two days.

Step out I shall…not yet, though; I’m still at 32,000 feet.

 

 

Radio Column: How Your Family Can Avoid the Post-Holiday Blues

Welcome back to work,  and school, and reno projects, and all the other joys of life after the holiday break.
During this radio interview on the Andrew Carter Morning show, hosted here by Tracey McKee, I offer some tips on how to avoid having your family succumb to those mid-winter blues:

 

 

CJAD - How to Avoid the Post-Holiday Blues

Microphones by Rusty Sheriff