MenGetPregnantToo

Friends, Family & Technology: The Monster Under the Bed.

 I no longer perceive smartphones as being monsters under children's beds.
Progress has triumphed, as it always does. My sense of realism has allowed me to accept that communication is no longer what it was. It is what it is, and, one day, will be what it will be.
When I watch my kids text their friends—their necks strained toward the floor, giving them a profile of a lower-case "r", like a lamplight with a loose shoelace—it no longer makes me grit and spasm. 
    "Why don't you just call them?!" I used to shout.
    "What the difference?!" They would answer.

I didn't really know what the difference was.
Perhaps it was through watching reruns of Downton Abbey I realized that, in 1915, even the simple telephone was a modern horror.
Present day, when it came to texting and "Facetiming" (that word still evokes images of something one gets done at a spa), I was the problem.

What was it then? Why, despite meditation and a determined sense of acceptance, did social media habits still drive me crazy?!
I pondered that question.

And here are the answers :

You can't leave it alone.

• Every blip, bleep, blap and zing draws your attention. Spoonfuls of dinner are interrupted by a, "Can I just check that?"
  - Movie night is disrupted by "I'm just going to answered this." Followed by "What did I miss?"
  I don't want to rewind. I was paying attention. The director intended for this movie to have flow, to be watched uninterrupted...down in front, dammit!
  - Intimate discussions about favourite foods and memorable vacations are hindered by your Google searches and YouTube videos of facts that "must" be verified and clips that "must" be seen.
     Your must-ing is making this get-together downright musty.

Photo: CommScope - Family 1

You forget it's on.

- The alarm is set for school days. But, today, there was no school, but we were awakened anyway. That is why I didn't want a dog - because sleep-ins.
- The battery is low, and it is calling to us at 3am from somewhere under a sofa cushion. Which cushion? We don't know. However, in the middle of the night, it is mostly likely under the cushion furthest from the bedroom, necessitating a series of shin-bruising stumbles into ottomans and doorways.
- You promised not to answer your device during a meal. But, you didn't actually turn it off. So:
    "This steak is delic-" bleep!
    "Remember I said I would speak to my boss today? Well I did. She said, 'If there is one thing I want to make absolutely clear, it's-'" blap!
    "I took the pregnancy test and shockingly I-" zing!

People reach out, with nothing to say.

- How does one answer a text which reads "Hey! What's up?!"
Do I write "Nothing." Or, do you really want the whole story?
- Or the Facetime call (do we call them "calls?", or are they "connections?" or "digitizations?") so that we may witness the cat curled curled up next to the bird, who is asleep on the dog, who is asleep on your Ugg, which you just Pintrested. Ugh.
Having something to say should be a prerequisite for any Facetime/Skype/Hangout interaction. Your snoring husband doesn't count. Even a "hysterical" snoring husband loses his pizzazz after I've been watching him for thirteen seconds on my thirteen inch screen.
"Say something," as the song goes, or, "I'm giving up on you."

You can't figure the thing out, so they end up texting me.

I fault no one for not understanding technology. I fault no one for choosing to avoid technology. The fault lies with the person who understands tech halfway, but chooses the deadly-tech-combo of not being curious to learn more, and yet still using it freely.
It produces weird tech math:
1) You reach out to them.
2) They respond to you.
3) You are unaware of, and/or cannot retrieve the text/voice/email message.
4) So they reach out to me.
5) I am now in charge of this project.

This is where old tech trumps new tech.
Just call them.
Use the wall phone and a pen and a wall calendar.
That way we techies are left out of it.

Photo: Daniel Horaclo Agostini - 2/365 communication

You're at my house...to see me.

Don't know much about history.
Don't know much biology.
Don't know much about a science book.
Don't know much about the French I took...

                                            - Sam Cooke

...And you don't need to brush up on all of that while I'm offering you homemade dates wrapped with bacon, pesto bruschetta, and a glass of that 20 year port you love.
We see each other semi-annually. Put. It. Down. And...

...please talk to me
Won't you please talk to me
We can unlock this misery
Come on, come talk to me

                                - Peter Gabriel

"Why aren't they answering?!" Anxiety

12:04 pm - Text sent.
12:08 pm - Check for response (while pouring coffee)
12:10 pm - Check for response (while ironing with one hand)
12:16 pm - Check for response (while sitting on the toilet)
12:41 pm - Check for response (while driving)
12:50 pm - Check for response (while yelling at your kids to put down the iPad and go play outside.)
12:56 pm - Check for response (and become angry that they are not answering.)
13:04 pm - Check for response (becoming worried now.)
13:08 pm - Send the follow up, "Hello??!!" text.
13:14 pm - Send a text to another friend asking, "Have you heard from Rachel lately? I'm worried"
13:22 pm - Begin to imagine scenarios when you have wronged Rachel, giving her cause to unfriend, and generally hate you.

I love my phone. It is my communications tool, my research tool, and a tool for entertainment and diversion.
The difference between the land line and the smart phone—the difference between then and now—is: the "now" device has become an unabashed dictator.
It dictates the user's behaviour, often in countersense to the user's wishes or intentions.
It behaves similarly with the...usee (pronounced yoo-zee), the person with whom the user is supposed to be interacting.
I cannot recall a previous innovation which, along with pleasure, brought so much imbalance, anxiety and unwanted distraction.

 

Of course, we humans created the machines. There are no ghosts, only programmers and users. If there are phantoms within these pods and pads, they exist only to create the illusion that we will be somehow disadvantaged if we cut the tether.
We are worried that, if we walk away, not only will we no longer be part of an important social media collective, but the device itself may whisper to us from the dark, 

    "Where are you going? You're not leaving me alone, are you?"

The apparatus is the clown on the chair during heat lightning. It smiles when the lights flicker. And, when it suddenly goes missing, we become frightened.
We spend so much time searching online for what we might be missing, I worry we miss too much by not lifting our chins and searching for what was there all along.

By the way, feel free to take 2 minutes away from whatever you're doing to share this link.

 

 

 

BT Montreal: When is the Right Time to Become a Father?

Discussions about women's biological clocks are fairly routine. Interestingly, studies have begun to pop up showing that men, too, experience decreasing fertility sooner than we first thought. When asked, men also admitted to feeling deep regret about choosing career over parenthood. 
This was the topic of my most recent visit to Breakfast Television:

When is the Right Time to Become a Father?

Brain Development: What Happens in Utero Doesn't Stay in Utero

Increase your folic acid intake.
Eliminate tobacco and alcohol.
Reduce caffeine in your diet.
Maintain proper nutrition and regular exercise.

Congratulations, you're pregnant!

There have been many debates surrounding the type of lifestyle changes which need to be implemented and/or maintained during pregnancy.
"What harm can it do?" and, "My babies were fine, and I didn't really scrutinize my lifestyle," are common refrains when justifying being more lax with one's pre-natal health than is suggested by physicians.

However, a new study suggests that, despite giving birth to an apparently healthy baby, the conditions in utero may have lasting effects which can influence a child's health into adolescence and adulthood.

A team from Quebec-based Research Unit on Children’s Psychosocial Maladjustment had the results of their study published in Human Brain Mapping.
Their subjects were pairs of identical twins, which they followed from birth, through to their teenage years.
They found that, despite having identical genetic profiles, one twin presented with different birthweight from the partner in the uterus. The twin with the higher birthweight also showed more advanced brain development as the children grew older.

In an article, published on Montreal's Concordia University's website, Linda Booij, associate professor of psychology in Concordia’s Faculty of Arts and Science and a researcher at Sainte-Justine Hospital Research Center, explained the results:

By the time our participants had reached teenagehood, differences in brain volume were present in the cortex, which is where much of our regulation of emotions and cognitive processes takes place. Interestingly, twins with large differences in birth weight and cortical structure also had epigenetic differences. This means that what happens in utero may affect a person’s brain development by the time they reach their teen years, and that epigenetic processes may play a role in this relationship.

Photo: Allan Foster, "The Second Reason"

The article describes epigenetics as changes in the activity of how a gene is expressed through environmental experiences, rather than alteration of the genetic code itself.
This means that there could be factors affecting one fetus more than the other, which may be extrapolated and manifested as differences in the children more than a decade later.
Dr. Booij explains to Concordia University:

Since the twins in our study are genetically identical, this difference in birth weight must be due to specific factors acting in utero. For instance, one fetus might have a better placement in the womb or better access to nutrition.

The study focused on in utero conditions affecting one fetus, positively or negatively, more than the other. However, as any parent with more than one child can attest to, no two, or three, or four siblings are alike. Wouldn't the parenting style and external factors after delivery also affect a child's emotional and physical health? For example: parents are often more nervous and strict with a first child versus their younger siblings. Children from one family also may have drastically different nutritional and/or lifestyle habits--i.e. be more inclined towards a healthy diet or athletics--than the other sibling.
Wouldn't these factors also explain the differences in sibling brain profiles through the teenage years?
I posed that question to Dr. Booij:

In general since the twins were raised in the same family and all still lived with their parents, many measures are similar (e.g. Eating habits). We have measures on parenting (in which the parent fills in a questionnaire for each child how e.g. Strict they are with each child). We noted that these measures were very similar.

Nevertheless, we can expect that factors after birth play a role, and that the differences within twin pairs may become larger once the twins are more apart. In fact, we continue to follow the twins and hopefully can repeat the epigenetic and brain measures in a new data collection when they are older.

What does this mean for a woman and her pregnancy? It may be further evidence that all that advice and caution one receives prior to, and during pregnancy, may not only mean a healthier baby at birth. It may also be the gateway to a healthier adolescent and, therefore, a happier and healthier adult.

 

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On Breakfast Television: The Pro's and Con's of Tech Gifts for Kids

Dear Doctor, I think My Kids Aren't Working Properly.

        Dear Family Pediatrician,

    Thank you for your suggestion that I put all of my concerns into one letter so that you may give them proper consideration.
As I had (briefly) mentioned during my son's last exam, I find some of my children's new behaviors worrisome. I have listed them below, in no particular order:

THEIR EYES: I am ignorant as to the musculature associated with the eyeball, and how it interacts with its socket and the surrounding nerves. Having admitted that, I am fairly confident both my children's ocular regions are malfunctioning.
During times of emotional stress, or even mild displeasure, they seem to have trouble focusing their vision straight ahead. Their eyes seem to wander towards the ceiling, or towards either side of the room. Sometimes this rolling of the eyes seems so extreme I worry they may lose consciousness. 
Is this normal?

 

Crazy Kid by Crystal Stallard

 THEIR PHYSICAL STRENGTH (especially as it pertains to the lower back and arms): When each of my children was a toddler, their strength seemed unusual for such a small child. They would be able to heave large toys across the room, inflict pain on a full-grown adult either by grabbing fistfuls of skin or hair, or kicking them in the stomach or groin area upon being lifted.
Now, nearly a decade removed from this stage, they exhale a groan of pain while lifting even the smallest of items; a sock from the floor, or a plate off the table, for example.
Sometimes the pain seems to even precede the task. My son actually began groaning on his way to his school bag, before even attempting to carry it to the front door. Should I give them Tylenol daily, perhaps with breakfast, to relieve this symptom?
Is this normal?

THEIR MEMORIES: From what I have read online, the different sections, or lobes, of the brain are responsible for different cognitive abilities. For instance, I have read our long-term memories are stored in one area, but our capacity to perform daily tasks (such as eating, writing, walking, etc.), are governed by a different cerebral mechanism entirely. This would explain the problem my children seem to encounter where selective reasoning and recollection are concerned.
This morning, they asked what was for supper. I told them it was Tofu Stir Fry with Rice and Vegetables. When they returned from school, they asked again, and then yet again once their homework was done. They really seemed to have trouble remembering what was for supper. This wouldn't normally be of any concern, except that they have nearly photographic recall when it came to reminding me that the 21st and 28th of this month are pizza days at school.
Also, I had to remind my son three times to feed his guinea pig (the poor thing, I believe, is horribly malnourished. You don't treat family pets, do you, Doctor?), yet, he was able to recall all the showtimes for the 3D viewing of Dr. Strange this weekend at our local cinema.
Is this normal?

THEIR SPEECH & GRAMMAR: I remember, when my kids were younger, they were constantly asking me to explain things. I would have to speak very slowly, and use repetitive, simple language to be sure I was understood. Recently, though, we have been experiencing role reversal on that front.
Their speech velocity has increased dramatically, while their enunciation has become so muddled, I have difficulty understanding them. Sometimes I ask them to repeat themselves, and to slow down (which, once again, triggers that weird ocular reflex I mentioned earlier). But, even then, their language is nonsensical. They say things like "Get wrecked," or "BooYa," or sometimes they just look at me and yell, "Ohhhhhh!" when they have made an argument they are particularly pleased with.
When I seem to have the upper hand during a family debate, they sputter quietly and mumble unintelligibly. Perhaps their brains are suddenly having trouble understanding my point of view?
Is this normal?

 

Bad Fingers by John Christian Fjellestad

 THEIR SPATIAL AWARENESS: Finally, Doctor, I may have to phone your receptionist and book an appointment for myself. (Do you see only children, or will you examine parents of children as well?) I have sustained several injuries lately, which, I'm afraid, I must blame on my kids.
Last week, the kids and I pulled into the driveway, after having been grocery shopping. I exited the vehicle, went around to the trunk, and grabbed two bags full of produce. I turned to head into the house, and tripped over my daughter who was suddenly standing right behind me. The celery flew onto my neighbor's lawn, and I hit my head on the uni-stone. My daughter claimed to have not seen me. Isn't that strange?
On Monday, I was emptying the dishwasher. When I stood, I smashed my head (fortunately on the opposite side from the uni-stone contusion) on the cupboard door, which my son had opened while I was gathering soup spoons from the cutlery tray. He, too claimed not to have seen me. Weird, no?
I would not mention this at all, except that yesterday, during family movie night, my son was scrolling through our collection of shows on our PVR when he asked my wife whether he could erase the Godfather trilogy I had recorded last month. My wife suggested he ask me that question. My son's reply was, "Well, when is Dad getting home?" 
Doctor, I was sitting right next to him!
I'm not sure if this "parental invisibility syndrome" (PIS?) would be categorized as difficulty with spatial recognition, or vision.
I suppose first I would need to know: Is this normal?

    Thank you very much for your time, I am eager for your opinions on these matters. Meanwhile, would you recommend heat or cold for minor head wounds?

Sincerely,

Kenny Bodanis, "Parent."

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BT Montreal: How Does Your Family Deal With Gender Stereotypes?

This article in The Atlantic, quotes a study which suggests a strong percentage of girls still feel more comfortable with men in roles of authority: politicians, heads of student councils, CEO's, etc.

In this interview on City TV's Breakfast Television, we talk about why that trend is so hard to break, and why it still exists at all.

How parents should deal with gender stereotypes

 

Study Shows Organized Sport is Not for Every Child

Yesterday, I was on CJAD's Barry Morgan Show discussing this article, printed in the Washington Post.
The article juxtaposed two points of view: the first extolling the benefits of organized sports—almost to the point of proving they are mandatory for any child's well-being; the second putting the emphasis on emotional balance being the key predictor of a child's future success.

As I mention during the interview (see link below), reading about this latter point of view—supported by a Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence study—provided me with tremendous relief.
Despite being a "parenting blogger," I have rarely, in recent years, divulged much personal information about my children. They are 11 and 9-years-old respectively, and I feel their stories are less and less mine to tell.
However, I will reveal that neither my son nor my daughter is enamored with organized sports or other activities.
Fellow parents are often taken aback when they ask whether my child is signed up for such-and-such or so-and-so, and I answer "No," and "No."
We have tried, soccer, swimming, baseball, the Scouting movement, music lessons and other pastimes...no go. I have had moments where their reluctance to participate was translating into my own feelings of helplessness and failure. After all, I was involved in organized sport throughout my childhood, and my experiences on-ice where much-more favorable than many encounters I experienced in school hallways (I figure skated for seventeen years).
Everybody else's kids signed up for stuff, why not mine? Shouldn't I force them? Shouldn't I argue more? Who's the parent, anyway?

Photo: USAG Humphreys via Flickr

Then I read the Washington Post article, which speaks of children being urged against their will into activities they don't enjoy.
At times, that push-pull dynamic results in a child who is anxious, stressed and withdrawn. 
Many kids love 7 AM hockey practices. Organized sports offer physical activity, life lessons, socialization, and a feeling of community for both parents and their little athletes.
But, they are simply not for everybody, and, here is the affirmation which gets pushed aside more and more often during the age of social media and internet parenting blogs: That's okay.

My son bike rides for dozens of kilometers alone or with our family; in his spare time he loves learning how to code computers.
My daughter will have dance parties in her room with her friends, and plays basketball in the driveway with her mom and dad.
Both my kids seem well-adjusted and happy, despite being enrolled in nothing. And That's okay.

It is becoming harder and harder to remind ourselves that, in general, we know what is best for our child. 
Sometime hockey practice and piano recitals are simply not a good fit.
And That's okay.

 

Here is the interview:

Should We Be Teaching Our Kids to Have Grit ?

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BT Montreal - Social Skills School-Age Kids Should Know

This morning I sat down with Elias Makos of BT Montreal to talk about some of the common social skills your kids can brush up on this summer. As with many things, I feel the best way for parents to teach is to lead by example.

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I Want Loneliness for Father’s Day

I have always craved solitude. Perhaps this is a symptom of the fractious household I grew up in. Heaven meant alone time, either in front a mirror imagining myself the Garfunkel half of the duo while lip-syncing into a deodorant stick, or lying in the dark at bedtime being entertained by Bob Newhart’s standup routine threading through my cassette player.

Now I am a 44 year-old husband, a father of two children—ages 11 and 9—and the co-owner of a 1955 detached cottage which is making demands on my DIY skills that I can’t keep up with.

I am gainfully employed at a job which allows me to earn a decent wage while also being available to involve myself deeply in household chores, to coax my daughter through piano practices and stand at the sidelines during her soccer games, and be a committed volunteer at my children’s school.

I am a solid citizen.

I am an evolved male.

What do I want for Father’s Day? For it all to go away.

Photo: Looking for Sunset by Giuseppe Milo

There is one universal truth for parents: the moment you accept the responsibility of child-rearing is the same moment you abdicate the right to absolute selfishness, forever.

There will be date nights; there may be weekends away without the kids; and there are sleepaway camps which provide a sense of freedom while they ironically also instill a sense worry and longing. Even once alone, reclined in an Adirondack, it is impossible for a parent to psychologically transcend their role. We will read two pages of John Irving; then we may spend a moment spotting shapes of mammals in the clouds; then we will ease ourselves into a shallow dream; then, inevitably, we’ll wonder how the kids are doing.

You may have gotten away, but there are no direct flights to true escapism.

We are kind and loving, but not completely selfish and free.

I miss selfish and free.

There seem to be only two of the three-hundred-and-sixty-five days per year when a parent can attempt unabashed narcissism: Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, and on his or her birthday.

Despite that greedy right, there is an aura of Romper Room circle-time celebration surrounding Parents’ Days.

It is a day of gathering.

This is especially true when your children are tweens, as mine are.

They have outgrown the ignorance of toddlerhood—when they present you with a pipe cleaner stickman, and can then be led away and distracted by sandboxes and beetles. By the time they are teenagers, you are as relevant to them as a bathing cap in the Sahara, especially on Father’s Day. They yearn to give you the gift of abstention from your household on your auspicious day; a day with Daddy is uncool.

But, tweens? They still devote significant classroom time crafting keepsakes and composing poetry they can barely stand to withhold from you until the third Sunday in June.

  “I’m so excited to show you what I made for youuuuuu!”

Crap.

They still want you, and they want you to want them.

  “Daddy needs some alone time for Father’s Day,” is not only a bizarre and abstract concept to 9-year-olds, it is also hurtful to them. Once it’s run through the tween filter, it is received simply as, “I don’t want to be with you today.” The message is distilled into an empirical form of selfishness and rejection.

How can you want to be away from me? “Me” is love, “Me” is fun, “Me” is your children, you jerk!

Photo: Life's Pathway by Mariyan Dimitrov

But, I’m tired.

My Gen-X level of engagement and involvement is exhausting. I’m dizzy, perhaps due to too much helicopter parenting?

I want twenty-four hours of selfish unpredictability.

I want to lay on my bedroom floor and stare at the ceiling, listening to the baseboard heaters crackle until...until I don’t want to do that anymore.

I want to play half of a song on that piano I don’t play anymore, and listen to its sound echo off the walls of my empty house. Then I’ll play another half of a song, and then maybe a whole song. And I’d like to maybe play for an hour, or just for five minutes, and then maybe go back to that later.

I want to fall asleep in front of a movie—perhaps one of the Oscar nominees...any of them, really, I’ve seen none of them.

When I wake up from my nap, I want to rewind it and watch the rest without scolding myself for not having started dinner.

I want to stand in my son’s room and talk to his guinea pig in an honest way that I can’t do when people are home because they’ll think I’m crazy.

A heart-to-heart with a rodent who also has nowhere to be.

I just want time.

Time is that thing that, at 44-years-old, is in decline—certainly in terms of quality, if not quantity.

I’m in love with fatherhood. And loneliness, in a permanent state, is a tragedy. But, like a favorite dessert or a seat under a tree, solitude would trigger some necessary decompression.

I believe being a parent is a gift. But, by definition, it is a gift which requires you to give and give and give.

On Father’s Day, I just want to take one...full...day.

I’ve lost my corny imagination which convinced me I was Art Garfunkel; I’ve thrown out that Sanyo cassette player; I don’t want to also dismiss my need for solitude.

I just don’t know how to explain that to my kids without bruising their hearts just a little.

So, on Father’s Day, we’ll do something together, as the family we have worked so hard to build.

Perhaps I’ll call in sick the following Monday, and spend some time talking to that caged rodent.

 

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"Exhaustification" - Do Parents Waste Too Much Time and Energy Debating Each Other?

    "Do I have to wear a jacket, Dad?"

    "Of course! It's only six degrees outside!"

    "Yeah, but honey," Mom intervenes, "It is going up to fourteen today, he'll just end up stuffing it in his backpack. You're fine as you are, sweetie."

    "Great!" Boy celebrates, "Thanks, Mom!"

Dad is not done, however.

    "But, you're the one always worried about him catching a cold because he's not dressed properly."

    "Well, sure." She answers, "When it's minus five and there's snow on the ground. Not when it's late spring!"

   "But," He keeps going, "Six degrees is six degrees. Why is six degrees in March any different than six degrees in May?"

And so on.
Welcome to parenting in 2016.

    Have they been on the iPad for too long, or do they deserve some downtime after scoring well on their report cards?
    Before getting dessert, do they have to eat four pieces of broccoli, or six, or all of it? Did you give them as many florets as last time? If the number of florets has increase, they'll notice and refuse to eat them, and you'll have to explain yourself.
    They're playing with that new toy, because Dad said they could. But Dad was unaware that Mom told them they had to clean their rooms today. So, can they clean their rooms just a little later, since it's Saturday, and Dad, after all, did give them permission to play with their new toy.
    Mom said they could stay up later tonight, "What?" says Dad, "We just talked about how tired they are in the morning!" Mom replies, "I know, but they only have four days of school this week, so I thought we could have a special family movie night."

Photo - "Tired" by Kevin Baird

Are parents exhausted at the end of the day because of parenting, or because of each other? 
Any single parent probably would not need very much time to prove how much more difficult it is managing a household without a partner to support you. But, when there are two of you, do debating and nitpicking augment the stress level unnecessarily? 
There is a certain peace which comes with being able to make a decision, even a "bad" one, without having to run in by your partner.
Too tired to make supper? I'm ordering pizza...without a conversation about budget and nutrition.
I'm watching this movie with the kids,...because they want to, and I, just this once, don't want to defend whether it's appropriate, or explain the research I've done online to justify my decision.

Sometimes paradise is defined simply by being able to say "yes" or "no" all by your grown-up self.

One study, and article after article online describe moms who simply want alone time for Mother's Day. That's it. Time without their partner, without the kids, and without having to decide anything for anyone but herself. 

We Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers have so much literature available to us (much of which contains information which will be updated and/or changed by the time we successfully implement those ideas) we think about and analyze nearly everything about our children. Not only can we still not reach a consensus of agreement from family to family, but we still even have a hard time presenting a united opinion in front of our children (which can destroy your children's respect for your authority, if you believe the literature).

I once heard the difference between the Gen-X/Yers' parenting style and the Baby-Boomers' parenting style described in the following way:

Yesterday's parents worry about what will happen; today's parents worry about what might happen.

I think that is absolutely on point.

So, for Mother's Day and Father's Day, how about this: let's move up our New Year's resolution date from January 1st 2017, to late May 2016, and resolve that, before second-guessing our partner, we will ask ourselves, "What real harm can come from what's about to happen? What do I have to gain, compared to the energy I am going to lose, by debating the number of broccoli florets on a plate, or the temperature at 8 AM vs 1 PM and how that temperature change should be reflected in my child's outerwear?"

Just breathe.

Let it go.
Let it free your body,
Let it move your soul.

                                        - Luba 1984

 

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Grandparent Handbook Builds Bridges Between Generations

When I received my review copy of Lynn Wilson's A Handbook for Grandparents, Over 700 Creative Things to Do and Make With Your Grandchild, I expected to find within its pages a lot of cute pictures, some children's drawings, and a few notes to Gramma and Grandpa about how to go about making collages with their little grandchildren.
I expected a sort of Arts and Crafts for Dummies.
Instead, this must-have work is so multi-dimensional, it would behoove both grandparents and parents to stow a copy on a shelf which is within easy reach at all times. 

While there are many tools available to teach parents how to shave balloons and make papier maché, very few also have "above the fold" advice stressing the importance,  and the delicate balance, of a parent/grandparent relationship. Before I discuss the encyclopedia of activities which comprise the vast majority of the book's pages, I would like to mention how important I found its opening section.
Lynn's book begins its journey with several pages devoted to helping grandparents understand that, yes, they play a vital role in these little people's live, but most important decisions lie with the child's parents, and must be respected. Also within that first chapter are wise words for parents who must come to understand that the older generation are no longer the parents they grew up with. They are now grandparents who have earned their retirement years, and whose joints and energy levels are not what they used to be:

Parents must also have realistic expectations about the amount of practical help some grandparents are willing and able to provide given their own plans for their retirement or their work commitments. Grandparents' involvement will vary significantly between families.

 I especially like these passages, which speak to grandparents of how different modern-day parenting may be from what they were accustomed to a generation ago. These are delicate words which are often more easily transmitted through a book suggestion than spoken in person:

Family dynamics are always changing. Over time there may well be many changes in your immediate and extended family. There are many challenging transitions that can affect families, and it's important to be respectful of each unique circumstance. A new baby, an adopted child, a move, a new school, illness, death, separation and divorce, another set of grandparents to build relationships with; these can all have a drastic effect on the members of any family. In many of these situations, your daughter or son will need your support as never before.

*****

As our children find partners who may be from different ethnic or religious backgrounds, grandparents will be exposed to various cultural influences and differing social conventions. This may influence the parents' beliefs, attitudes, and expectations to child rearing. Whatever the circumstances, successful relationships between all parties will depend on open communication.

Sometimes it's nice to have someone speak for us, isn't it? 

The early chapters of the book even go as far as teaching grandparents that a visit by their grandchildren does not translate to a behavior free-for-all. Ms. Wilson offers specific methods for ensuring there is a continuity for the child as far as an expectation of respect and responsibility, and several ideas for how get a child to clean up after themselves once all the toys have been given a run-through. In other words, even at Gramma and Grandpa's, there are House Rules.

Now, on the to the nitty, gritty.
Before I explain how magnificently this book offers what must be thousands of ideas to be shared between and a grandparent and a grandchild, I will make the suggestion that this is a book which is best consumed in small doses. This is definitely a reference guide, not a novel. It can be overwhelming if a grandparent, upon receiving the book, feels he or she must digest all this information and react immediately to call to make your house safe, acquire age-appropriate toys, and buy all the classic children's books. (Ms. Wilson actually actively discourages grandparents from rushing out and purchasing a "truck load of toys," and, for that, we thank her! There is even a fantastic section of gift suggestions...other than toys!)
I would inscribe this book "Dear Mom and Dad, to be used only as needed. Love, Me."

The meat of the book is divided into sections and subsections of indoor and outdoor activities, ideas, and crafts.
The real genius of this work is its rhythm, simplicity and the repetition of its layout. (Just how kids like things!)
Each section has a master theme, for instance, Bath Tub Fun. There you will find at least a dozen ideas, each rarely more than a sentence in length. There are always "Simple Ideas" for young children, and "More Complex Ideas" for older kids.
In each section I found ideas which were very different and wonderfully original when compared with suggestions I've read in best-selling magazines and on the popular websites.  These sections are also decorated with children's drawings, memories and thoughts from children, parents, and grandparents, as well as children's book suggestions which match each chapter's theme.
There are sections dealing with recipes, nature, rainy days, technology, books, and even some suggestions for what to do on snowy days (this book does work for us Canadians!)

 One of the great things about this book's building block—its heart—is it can generate as much excitement and interest in a grandchild as it can in a grandparent. If I were a grandparent (my kids are 11 and 9-years-old respectively, so I'm in no hurry!), I would definitely encourage my grandchild to "Grab the handbook off the shelf and pick something to do!"
There are literally years of what-to-do within its pages.
I especially like the chapter about extended stays at Gramma and Grampa's, because that means a little quiet reading time for mom and dad, or, as I like to call it, Naptime for dummies.

 

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