Yesterday on City TV's BT Montreal, Joanne Vrakas and I talked about Father's Day gifts. What was ironic was, just before going on, the make-up artist said to me, "I don't know what to buy my husband for Father's Day!" "Why Don't you ask him?" I said. That seemed to be a new concept. "Ask him at night, away from the children." I continued, "Tell him you really want him to be honest about three things he would like." That was part of this more philosophical conversation Joanne and I had about the evolution of Father's Day (which has been a pet topic of mine for a while), and the gifts that go with it.
The article's headline reads "The More Chores a Husband Does, The More Likely The Marriage Will End in Divorce." It is safe to assume, in a clicks-equals-revenue world, that the Medical Daily website, which posted the article, is relying on a lot of reposts without read-throughs. When I found the article Facebook, there were already the "Ha! See, honey?" comments from husbands, and, no doubt, a lot of face-palming from wives.
The article is based on an Oslo and Akershus University College of Applied Sciences report entitled "Gender Equality at Home." This report is based on two previous studies. As with—I will assume—everyone who read the headline on the Medical Daily, I did not read the entire Norwegian report, nor did I peruse either of its parent studies. Regardless, reading the "Chores" post carefully gives the reader insight into how many parenting studies (especially once they are sifted into click-bait) offer more questions than answers, and follow those questions with very few concrete conclusions.
For example, the opening sentence on the Medical Daily site (if you manage to wrestle past the convenient 90-second video produced for the even shorter attention span) reads:
Couples may be better off living in a "traditional" household where women do all the housework if they want to stay together, according to a report from the Oslo and Akershus University College of Applied Science.
"May be better off." Through scientific reasoning, one can extrapolate that this also means, "May NOT be better off," however, this would not bode as well for Facebook shaming of the opposite sex. Read on:
The results showed 65 percent of couples equally or near-equally divided childcare, but not housework: Women reported doing all or almost all of the work in 11 percent of couples and "somewhat more of the work" in 60 percent of couples.
Here are some details not defined by those statistics: within that first group of 65 percent of couples who near-equally divide childcare, who shoulders more of the child-caring? Is it the husband, since his wife is busy completing household chores? We don't know. The other big question, which is often left unanswered when debating housework, is: What defines housework? Laundry? No doubt. Dishwashing and vacuuming? I assume so. Lawn mowing, plumbing, or other home repair and maintenance tasks? Umm...oops, usually not. I have written before about the many household tasks which are never considered "housework" for the survey monkeys. But, trust me, repairing foundation cracks and installing wall tiles are, indeed, chores.
Housework by the Water - Bill Collison
To support the article's unjustifiably definitive headline, the report's author is quoted further down the article:
"The more a man does in the home, the higher the divorce rate," said Thomas Hansen, co-author of the study entitled "Gender Equality At Home," according to AFP. While researchers found no or very little cause-and-effect, they believe that the observation could be due to "modern" attitudes.
In other words, the division of domestic labor may have NOTHING to do with divorce rates. The stand-by hypothesis is that, within more modern (read: younger) couples, men and women feel more confident expressing their displeasure. This more quickly results in one, or both halves of the couple stating, "I want a divorce." This could be because of snoring, drinking, infidelity, or a hatred of cats. We...just...don't...really...know.
The article continues with a lot of "Could-be's," and "Maybes," and completes its "We're not really sure," dismount with the following sentence:
The results from the latest survey appears to contradict a recent study carried out by researchers at Cambridge University earlier this year that found men were actually happier when sharing the housework.
Oh. Soooo....okay, then. As you were.
And, women, in case you were looking to seek revenge on those guys who posted the article's headline along with an "In your faces, women!" emoticon, the article wraps up in fine emasculating form:
The Cambridge study was based on previously collected data from 30,000 people in 34 countries. Researchers found that men had benefited the more they contributed to household chores, but researchers suggested that this could also be because they preferred a quiet life doing housework than having a disgruntled other half.
In other words: men can't possibly be happier sharing household chores, right? It must be that these indecisive Cro-Magnons just nod and smile and do what they're told because there is nothing worse than being scolding by the missus.
Researchers often spend years deriving conclusions and battling to be published. What a massive disservice to academia—as well as to any understanding we hope to glean from it—when click-bait sites reduce one-hundred pages of research into four-hundred words of non-commitment and misunderstanding. And then we repost that drivel for them.
Photo: Face Down Tuesday, The Dyson Wins by TheeErin
"Yeah, but honey," Mom intervenes, "It is going up to fourteen today, he'll just end up stuffing it in his backpack. You're fine as you are, sweetie."
"Great!" Boy celebrates, "Thanks, Mom!"
Dad is not done, however.
"But, you're the one always worried about him catching a cold because he's not dressed properly."
"Well, sure." She answers, "When it's minus five and there's snow on the ground. Not when it's late spring!"
"But," He keeps going, "Six degrees is six degrees. Why is six degrees in March any different than six degrees in May?"
And so on. Welcome to parenting in 2016.
Have they been on the iPad for too long, or do they deserve some downtime after scoring well on their report cards? Before getting dessert, do they have to eat four pieces of broccoli, or six, or all of it? Did you give them as many florets as last time? If the number of florets has increase, they'll notice and refuse to eat them, and you'll have to explain yourself. They're playing with that new toy, because Dad said they could. But Dad was unaware that Mom told them they had to clean their rooms today. So, can they clean their rooms just a little later, since it's Saturday, and Dad, after all, did give them permission to play with their new toy. Mom said they could stay up later tonight, "What?" says Dad, "We just talked about how tired they are in the morning!" Mom replies, "I know, but they only have four days of school this week, so I thought we could have a special family movie night."
Photo - "Tired" by Kevin Baird
Are parents exhausted at the end of the day because of parenting, or because of each other? Any single parent probably would not need very much time to prove how much more difficult it is managing a household without a partner to support you. But, when there are two of you, do debating and nitpicking augment the stress level unnecessarily? There is a certain peace which comes with being able to make a decision, even a "bad" one, without having to run in by your partner. Too tired to make supper? I'm ordering pizza...without a conversation about budget and nutrition. I'm watching this movie with the kids,...because they want to, and I, just this once, don't want to defend whether it's appropriate, or explain the research I've done online to justify my decision.
Sometimes paradise is defined simply by being able to say "yes" or "no" all by your grown-up self.
One study, and article after article online describe moms who simply want alone time for Mother's Day. That's it. Time without their partner, without the kids, and without having to decide anything for anyone but herself.
We Gen-Xers and Gen-Yers have so much literature available to us (much of which contains information which will be updated and/or changed by the time we successfully implement those ideas) we think about and analyze nearly everything about our children. Not only can we still not reach a consensus of agreement from family to family, but we still even have a hard time presenting a united opinion in front of our children (which can destroy your children's respect for your authority, if you believe the literature).
I once heard the difference between the Gen-X/Yers' parenting style and the Baby-Boomers' parenting style described in the following way:
Yesterday's parents worry about what will happen; today's parents worry about what might happen.
I think that is absolutely on point.
So, for Mother's Day and Father's Day, how about this: let's move up our New Year's resolution date from January 1st 2017, to late May 2016, and resolve that, before second-guessing our partner, we will ask ourselves, "What real harm can come from what's about to happen? What do I have to gain, compared to the energy I am going to lose, by debating the number of broccoli florets on a plate, or the temperature at 8 AM vs 1 PM and how that temperature change should be reflected in my child's outerwear?"
Just breathe.
Let it go. Let it free your body, Let it move your soul.
With Derick Fage on BT Montreal this morning, I talked about the growing trend of holding Dad-chelor parties: a gathering with the guys to celebrate impending fatherhood. Is this a justifiable romp, or just an excuse to leave your pregnant partner at home while you enjoy Vegas? As we debated, we realized...a big part of the problem was with the name!
I recently had a chance to sit down with Mutsumi Takahashi on CTV Montreal's news at noon. She had recently read my book "What Do I Do While You're Pregnant?", and I was pleased to answer her questions:
I'm happy to announce that my book "What Do I Do While You're Pregnant?", in addition to being available for Kindle and in paperback on Amazon, is now also being distributed through all the major online retail outlets. This means it can now also be enjoyed on the Nook, iPad, and Kobo. You can find it easily through these links (or, by, you know, Googling):
Many parenting books deal with pregnancy and mothers-to-be. Some mention fatherhood or focus on the humorous side of a dad who is all thumbs. This book is a unique story by an expectant dad who is remarkably candid about how terrifying and overwhelming it is for BOTH parents to become responsible for a baby for the first time. It is respectful of both sexes; remarkably aware of the incomparable experience of physically carrying a baby for nine months, as well as how confusing it is for a father-to-be on the sidelines wrestling with how to voice his insecurities.
How does he encourage and comfort his wife, while also balancing and expressing his own worries about becoming a first-time parent? When he is told he should be 100% involved in the pregnancy, what does that mean? Can he insist on knowing the baby's sex? Should he be planning his own baby shower? Who can he talk to about the overwhelming job of being the source of information for an entire extended family?
What Do I Do While You're Pregnant? is an honest and touching book by a dad-to-be wrestling to find his place. He balances news of his possible infertility and his pregnant wife's medical emergencies with his own phantoms symptoms and sleepless nights. This funny and poignant story respects an experience which is unique to both first-time parents.
I had a great debate about a dad-to-be's role during his partner's pregnancy, and after birth with the whole panel on CTV's The Social. The pulled no punches! Some of the topics include:
What are men so afraid to talk about during pregnancy?
Is it fair to say "There is a mother-baby bond which will never really exist for dads?"
Do dads-to-be have a say about what their pregnant partner eats or drinks?
How do you deal with that helpless feeling during labor?
Are baby showers just for women?
What about sex after the baby is born?
What can a dad do to really be part of a newborn's life?
Just ahead of my first book signing on October 3rd, I sat down with Shaun McMahon, new dad and on-air personality at The Beat 92.5 in Montreal.
What began as an interview about my book, developed into a much more involved conversation about fatherhood and what it means to stand alongside a pregnant partner for nine months.