My new book, "What Do I Do While You're Pregnant?" is now available on Amazon.com (paperback and Kindle). It is a refurbished, reworked and updated version of a previous publication, which originally took the name of this blog, "Men Get Pregnant, Too." One of my primary reasons for undertaking the updating of the book ,which I had spend so many hours writing and babying through the publishing process, was, in fact, the title. If I were nearby to explain the story to moms in the store, or they gratefully took the time to read it, they found it was like no other parenting book they had read. "I had no idea dads felt that way!" was a common reaction. Otherwise, upon seeing a book, writing by a dad, titled "Men Get Pregnant, Too," they would guffaw, drop it back on the table , and pronounce, "No they don't!"
Indeed, we don't. But male pregnancy was a metaphor for the angst felt by any first-time parent, be they adoptive, or expecting a baby being carried by a same-sex partner or a surrogate. There is no such thing as feeling detached while waiting to become a mom or a dad. Hopefully, this relaunch will encourage moms and dads to read the book together, and spark a new discussion about how men, or other parents-to-be who are not carrying their child through pregnancy, experiences those nine months of gestation. To order for yourself, or as a gift, just click below!
Many parenting books deal with pregnancy and mothers-to-be. Some mention fatherhood or focus on the humorous side of a dad who is all thumbs. This book is a unique story by an expectant dad who is remarkably candid about how terrifying and overwhelming it is for BOTH parents to become responsible for a baby for the first time. It is respectful of both sexes; remarkably aware of of the incomparable experience of physically carrying a baby for nine months, as well as how confusing it is for a father-to-be on the sidelines wrestling with how to voice his insecurities. How does he encourage and comfort his wife, while also balancing and expressing his own worries about becoming a first-time parent? When he is told he should be 100% involved in the pregnancy, what does that mean? Can he insist on knowing the baby's sex? Should he be planning his own baby shower? Who can he talk to about the overwhelming job of being the source of information for an entire extended family?
"What Do I Do While You're Pregnant?" is an honest and touching book by a dad-to-be wrestling to find his place. He balances news of his possible infertility and his pregnant wife's medical emergencies with his own phantoms symptoms and sleepless nights. This funny and poignant story respects an experience which is unique to both first-time parents.
This is not a sponsored post. I am not a member of, nor have I been remunerated by, the Welcome to Parenting Program.
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There is once aspect of parenting neglected by all those self-help and information websites and blogs & books: the nuanced needs of each individual.
What if, instead of spending time (you may not have) scouring online and off line pages searching for general answers to your very specific concerns, there was one destination which offered personal, accurate, and tailored information. Welcome to Parenting (www.welcometoparenting.com) is a program which has found its niche.
The program, based in Canada but offered internationally, is barely a year old. It was built on a foundation of government funded research carried out by academics, doctors studying pre-and-post-natal health, psychologists and even breastfeeding experts.
Welcome to Parenting is a paid service which covers topics from pre-natal care right through a child's first year. Members can pay for the entire program (currently $89.99) or buy individual modules dealing with specific areas of concern ($9.99).
Unlimited Access to Personalized Medical Advice
One of the most unique - and invaluable - aspects to the service is its personalized access to health care professionals. Once an individual subscribes to the program, that person can submit private, personal questions to a health care professional. During a regular business week, a direct response should be expected within 24 hours. As a Canadian accustomed to waiting weeks for a doctor's appointment (and not even bothering if I deem my question even remotely banal), I would have clamored to have this kind of access to a professional Q & A during my wife's pregnancy.
Privacy & Inclusion
Yes, questions can be asked anonymously, which allows a participant a more honest interaction within the online forums and parenting communities. Couples are given individual logon IDs, allowing them to ask questions, and participate anonymously and independently of each other. There is a Parent-to-Parent blog, as well as a Fathers' Corner. The company has made it its mandate to be inclusive: same-sex parents, single parents & divorced parents will find seamless integration.
Emphasis on a Healthy Adult Relationship
As a married parent, one of the areas I find most neglected on blogs and in books is how a couples' relationship is affected by a pregnancy and the birth of a child. I spoke to Meredith Evans, from the Welcome to Parenting program, about this site's emphasis on couple support:
"We did a lot of research in terms of what we could offer that other programs don’t...Feedback came back from other couples saying that they had support with their child...but there was no couple support. They didn’t have support with counselling in terms of how to deal with changes in their relationship. So, it’s something that our psychologists were really interested in pursuing...People were very interested in having that kind of support and having that message to work through the changes that they would see in their relationship. I think the fact that they can log on individually (has been helpful) because they don’t feel the pressure."
Parents 2 Parents is a Free Resource
While WelcomeToParenting.com is a subscription-based resource, the group also operates a free website: Parents2Parents.ca. The National Programmes Manager describes this site as:
A web community built especially for expectant parents, new parents and parents with young children. It is a place to find critical information about pregnancy and prenatal care, child development and how to parent effectively through those first five miracle years. But more importantly, it is a place for parents to connect with other parents experiencing the same types of things. We know that becoming a parent can feel overwhelming at times – it’s comforting to know parents have a place to go to talk to the experts as well as each other.
Whether availing yourself of the expertise of the Welcome to Parenting program, or the freedom of the Parents2Parents site, both these resources have harnessed the type of support and access which may help put hours of web surfing and self-help research to bed. All that's left is for you to turn that information into more relaxation, rest, and piece of mind for yourself and your little one.
"Men Get Pregnant, Too (despite never pushing a watermelon through a pigeonhole)" is a page turner which will surely ignite conversations within couples who have--or are ever planning-- on having children. This is a book which treats both motherhood and fatherhood with depth and respect. The perfect gift! (see description below.)
Men Get Pregnant, Too (despite never pushing a watermelon through a pigeonhole):
They received an Early Pregnancy Test as a wedding gift. Subtle. But, this couple wasn't even sure they wanted to be parents. How to tell their mothers and fathers they may never become grandmas and grandpas was just the first of many hurdles on the journey towards eventual parenthood.
Once the baby was on its way (after an 18-month long attempt at conception), the father-to-be quickly becomes a secondary player in the process. While his wife is experiencing morning sickness, medical scares and migraines, the dad-in-waiting wrestles to find his own voice. Are these phantom symptoms real, or imagined? Can he express his own worries about whether he will be a good father? Or voice his concerns about the surprising results of a genetic test? Does he HAVE to help organize his own baby shower?
Men Get Pregnant, Too is a rare gem. It treats both motherhood and fatherhood with equal respect, while challenging couples to re-examine a father-to-be's role and his voice throughout pregnancy. It is a must-read for any couple who has--or is planning on having--children (and having to deal with their relatives, too!). From intimate conversations about infertility, health, in-laws, medical emergencies, and balancing a full-time job with a role as butler to visitors, MGPT is guaranteed to start a new debate among a new generation of parents.
I am a parenting author and blogger. When I am sent pitches to review books with 'Father' or 'Daddy' in the title, I develop certain preconceived notions: there will be anecdotes about goofy parenting moments; stories of cute babies doing cute things; perhaps a touching passage about being thankful for one's competent and loving wife. Mostly, those books tread on familiar and well trampled territory.
Not so with Kirk Millson's "9,000 Miles of Fatherhood - surviving crooked cops, Mexican moonshine and teen-age angst on a journey to the End of the road"
As the late Roger Ebert was fond of writing: "It's not what a movie is about, but rather how it is about it." This story of a father and son piling into a 1974 Dart with the intention of driving from Salt Lake City to Panama could have been a simple tale of travel and sightseeing. It could have been a story of father/son bonding. It is, as a skeleton, both those things. But what pulls the reader relentlessly from page to page is a story of self-discovery, and the desire to recover a broken relationship.
"I was an unemployed middle-aged man in a beater car with a kid I didn't know how to relate to, and the road ahead, so recently shimmering with promise, just seemed long."
Any parent - father or mother - will relate instantly to Millson's feelings of helplessness, frustration, and self-doubt. Milsson's personal profile before pulling out of his driveway is a template for numerous parents: a professional and financial rut, a teenager with whom communication has been reduced to grunts and nods, and a family who is far from receiving your best side of humanity. This is a trip one father hopes will return both him and his son in better condition than when they left.
Though it is a human story first and foremost, this book does have elements of a great thriller:
"With a look of scorn, he reached down and yanked open a drawer. Out came an assortment of junk - broken ballpoint pens, a tangled ball of plastic coated wire, the chipped black receiver from a phone...When he laid down a battered pistol with a broken grip, he stared at me with eyebrows raised."
This is only one dark corner of a story which includes drunks, robbers, crooked authorities, hookers, rushing rivers, wild pigs and a bus wavering near a precipice. But the real ride is an emotional one. Even when his relationship with his son, as well as the trip itself, seems to be on the upswing, Millson wonders if this is all just an exercise in delaying facing reality. Even after this great adventure ends, he will still be a newspaper editor on a fixed income and the late shift, reminded by his son at one point during the trip he is not qualified to be much more.
Peter and Kirk in the Dart on the way home in December 2002. Above right, the laundry facilities in Oaxaca.
While the locations may be exotic (Mexico, Nicaragua, Costa Rica, etc.), the lessons are no more foreign than those we struggle to learn in our own kitchens, dens and living rooms.
As the heat, their tight budget, and the smarmy no-tell motels being to exacerbate Millson, his son bears the brunt of his short fuse and frustrations. A Central American version of a swear jar seems to not only rectify the situation, but reminds this father how often our children absorb the consequences of our short fuses simply by virtue of living life alongside us.
Peter, Millson's 13-year-old son, is tasked with keeping up with his school work, lest the trip be brought to a sudden halt. Intense on-the-road sessions of Spanish and algebra are fortified with a physical regime of calisthenics. However, the threat of an abrupt return to Utah should the teen fall behind academically, is an empty one. A trip home would either leave the father alone on the road, or force him to return to the life he left behind - Millson finds neither option palatable. This is one of the many honest secrets and emotions Millson shares with the reader, but keeps from his son. Through their shared fears, their exasperations with each other, and their celebrations of new discoveries, each traveller learns more and more about themselves as well as their companion.
There is a touching scene in which Millson watches his son in the Dart's rear view mirror. The sight triggers a memory of the same child as a toddler smiling from the back seat as he spits out his pacifier. They never stop being our babies. No matter how much they frustrate us, it is never too difficult to love them again. Millson is comfortable displaying his misjudgments and his parental warts; that is the real charm of this book.
This story is touching in the way many 'fatherhood' books are not. It is not about 'How to raise a good son.' or 'How crazy is it that now I drive a van'. It's about being human. About how difficult it can be to connect with your child. About the work it takes to make an emotional connection.
Peter is 24 now. We'll have to wait for his book to really understand his secrets from that journey. But Kirk Millson's lesson was clear:
"...A father doesn't have to be smart or talented or otherwise remarkable to have a huge impact on a kid's life; he just has to stay involved. For boys of a certain age, a bad day with their Dad is better than a good day without him."
Those 9,000 miles were worth every penny.
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"9,000 Miles of Fatherhood - surviving crooked cops, Mexican moonshine and teen-age angst on a journey to the End of the road" will be released April 8th through Amazon and Barnes & Noble. For information, and pre-orders, visit www.KirkMillson.com.
From Friday, January 3rd, 2014, here is my interview on Canada AM - CTV's national morning show. Marcia MacMillan allows me to elaborate more fully on what is meant by the book's title "Men Get Pregnant, Too."
Good afternoon. Welcome to my newly formed "Assumptions & Generalizations" group. Topics covered in this group are based on trends and practices which are generally true. There will be exceptions to all points argued in this column, but this group does not focus on exceptions, it bases its opinions on the behavior of large segments of the population. It's a percentage game. This article is only an opinion. The comment section below is open at all times for polite rebuttals.
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I have heard frequent comments from women--especially within the last two weeks, which welcomed a new NFL season, a golfing major tournament, and a heightened Major League Baseball playoff race--about how they lose their husbands to televised sports events.
These wives do not seem to be complaining. It is more of an expression of resignation and incomprehension: "I really don't understand the attraction to watching 23 minutes of action stretched over three or four hours. But, he and his buddies never miss a Sunday. When they're in their NFL zone, there's no getting through to them."
Exactly. That's the point.
Once one becomes a 'fan' of a particular sport or team or player, the appreciation of competition--as well as the reasons which drive that sentiment--become more complex. With time, comes an understanding of the history of the sport, a sense of the rivalry between players or teams, and a connection to a personality with which an organization represents itself. Fans eventually become brand-loyal. But, what prompts men to become enthusiasts for televised sport in the first place?
For some, it is through childhood development and parental osmosis. They participated in a particular sport throughout their youth; following their hero or heroes was a part of an athletic coming-of-age ritual. They may also identify with their fathers or grandfathers whose ceremonial appreciation for a telecast (or radio broadcast) of their home team remains a fond childhood memory. For others--those who may not have had that particular boyhood experience. The motivation may be much simpler:
A televised sporting event is an excuse to disengage from other responsibilities.
"Watching the Game" by A. Davey
Parents, especially, have tremendous obligations towards others: their spouse; their children; their children's school; their children's after-school activities; their office jobs; maintaining basic household machinery; an ever-present need for home repair and possibly also caring for their own aging parents.
These women and mothers--who are bewildered at their husbands' attraction to televised football--do a far better job of compartmentalizing time for themselves than do their spouses. They regularly organize spa days, walking groups, book clubs and girls' nights out as proper diversions from life's other demands. Their spouses have a less varied repertoire of distraction.
Men find it more difficult to express their need for alone time, and their wives have more difficulty accepting that need .
Televised sport is a permission slip to disconnect from being a father, an employee, a husband and a home's general contractor. It is more permissible to say "I'm watching the game" than it is to declare "I need time away from everybody to do nothing."
For largely stereotypical reasons, men do not organize their own spa days or walking groups. While we keep an eye on the game for any goals, touchdowns or hit-and-run situations, men often have more therapeutic conversations with their friends concerning their relationships, their children, and their mental state than they ever would during a phone call.
Husbands and fathers may express a responsibility to support the team, but Saturday nights and Sunday afternoons may be just as much about a responsibility towards themselves to feel completely free from responsibility for 3 or 4 hours once a week.
A great article in the Globe and Mail newspaper mentions the following statistics:
84 per cent of men said they pick up the tab early on in the dating process (even though 64 per cent of them feel they shouldn’t have to), and 39 per cent of women admitted that even if they do offer to pitch in on the bill, they are secretly irked if their date accepts.
I don't think chivalry is dead, but rather is being replaced by a much fairer option: COMMON SENSE!
